The Making of M.O.M.

Here are the pictures of, quite possibly, my favorite day of our vacation. But first, do you remember this post? Do you remember the obsession my kids have with all things Cowboy/Cowgirl? Oh yes, the obsession was fed, brushed, watered, saddled and perpetuated beyond a reasonable limit.

The first day we rode the pony, Petey, in the indoor area. Those specks in the air are dust and..uh, horse particles. Absolutely gross. The next day, the weather was more tolerable and we opted for outdoor riding. I pretty much think that this one day was the highlight of Lucas' little life.

At one point, my very generous uncle saddled up a big horse (not pictured) so that I too could ride (I may know where my kids' obsession of horses comes from. I LOVE riding as well.) Anyway, I took Lucas and Ashlee both for a ride on the big horse so that they could go fast, since they had been begging. We attempted to go fast on Petey and Little Dan, but their top speeds are just about as fast as quick jog. Not good enough for these dare devils.

As Lucas and I galloped across the field he yelled,

"Wait! Mommy stop! It hurts my butt-butt...and my parts."

Poor Ashlee only got a few turns riding outside before it was time to put the horses away. She napped through the whole afternoon. AND, I feel super horrible because I only got the 1 picture of her on the pony.

The last time we were at the horse farm, Lucas and Ashlee were just barely 1 year old and Lucas was terrified of the horses. Actually, now that I think about it, I don't even think Elizabeth had the courage to ride. Such was not the case this year. Elizabeth rode Petey all by herself! She man-handled...er, lady-handled, him like it was old news. Finally, after a napless day and the exhaustion from riding, she was pried from the saddle screaming and throwing a fit that only a real cowgirl could muster.

So, without further ado, I present to you...The Beaver Trio..Cowboy and Cowgirl Style.

Elizabeth rides, Ashlee and Lucas close behind, waiting for their turn. Sort of like an old west wagon chain don't you think? Well, except there aren't any wagons.

Elizabeth is just getting used to Petey. Oh, Petey! You just wait!

Cowgirl Addie (my BFF's girl) and Cowboy Lucas. Hummm...can you say "Arranged Marriage?" I'm only kidding, partially.

The ONLY reasonable pic I got of Cowgirl Ashlee. It makes me so sad.

"Best-ies" Elizabeth and Cousin Dylan

Cowboy Lucas. So proud to be riding the "big whorsey".

Cowgirl Elizabeth showin' Petey who's boss

Tryin' to go solo. Little Dan was a no-go.

I sat on my porch last night in the bitter cold, in the silence, wondering why I felt so yucky. I sat there, wanting to talk to God but not really knowing what to say. I had a million thoughts yet no real thoughts swirling around in my mind. Finally, one thought came into my mind and stuck,

"Why wasn't I a light? That whole week, why wasn't I a light?"

When we moved into this house the one thing that bugged us was how dark the front walk way became at night. For Christmas last year, my grandmother bought Luke some solar powered lights to line our sidewalk (she is oh-so thoughtful...and practical). As I sat there last night I noticed one single light that was still lit. As I watched it fade, I noticed that none of the other solar lights were on. It was late and had been hours since the sun had set. I wondered why that ONE was still burning. Then God told me.

That ONE had spent the most time in the sun.

I had my answer. With no time in the Son, I cannot be a light. I thought about the weeks that led up to our vacation and even the week of. I had spent little to no time in the Son. Is it really that simple? Yes, it is.

Tonight, I went back out onto our porch. None of the lights were shining. It had rained all day today. No time in the sun = no light. Just when our walkway needed it most, on a cold, wet night, those lights were useless because they hadn't spent any time being recharged.

Again, I heard God say; You can be the vessel, equipped to carry the light, but without time in the Son, you will only sit in darkness.

I came in and opened my journal. I had left off at Romans Chapter 8. I began to read and just as He always does, God showed me the answers as to why I felt so yucky, so sinful and so unworthy of His forgiveness.

Paul (the guy who wrote Romans) said basically (this is my own version) that I am continually fighting a battle between my own sinful nature and the God-placed spirit that lives within me. There is NOTHING I can do to deserve to approach the Lord and ask for forgiveness, nothing. However, God chose to forgive me long before my sins ever even came to pass. He did that in the form of His Son, Jesus. If God was willing to sacrifice His only Son for my sins, why was I sitting here, wallowing in my yuck? I'm not worthy to approach Him but He is willing to and ready to forgive.

God himself gave me right standing with Him, it wasn't anything I did. Although I feel so far from Him right now, I am told that nothing, NOTHING can separate me from His love (Chapter 8 v. 31-39). So what was I waiting for? I begged God to forgive me for being so self-righteous and for wallowing in my yuck.

When I looked back at my Bible, I saw Romans Chapter 7. True to His comical nature, I began to read EXACTLY what I have been struggling with. I mean really...if Paul, the author of several books of the Bible felt this way, clearly I'm not THAT abnormal (at least in this regard). Paul says,

"I know that I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't. When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. But if I am doing what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it.

It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God's law (here he is speaking of the commandments God gave Moses..I think) with all of my heart. But there is another law at work withing me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin."

~ Romans 7:18-25 (emphasis mine)

Those sinful desires that captivated me during my vacation? Oh! They are right here too..right in my own home where I've built my bubble. They are with me at Wal-mart, when I change diapers, when I'm angry at my kids and when I snap at my husband. They are always there.

You see, I am just like those pesky solar lights. The amount of light I produce is directly related to the amount of time I spend in the Son. In the days leading up to or vacation, my Son time was non-existent. Accompany that with the emotion and trials that presented themselves while we were gone and I was not equipped to shine, much less fight.

Please do not read this as a cop out. I'm not excusing myself or saying that it's okay. But like a very WISE 11th grader recently reminded me, guilt is not of God. This guilt I've been carrying around isn't from Him. It's whispers of lies from the enemy. So, my plan now is to soak up the Son in a way I've never done before. I will pray for endurance because that smelly old sinful nature will find ways to hold me back.

Hopefully, the next time you see me I will be shining brightly....maybe even Son burnt.