The Making of M.O.M.

I've been wanting to blog about submission now for a while. But, I found this post on Mckmama's blog and I feel that it would be redundant in posting something about it now (especially if you take the hint and click on that link). She says it so perfectly. Although their story is a little different from our story, the truths are still the same.

However, I feel that I must tell you about this amazing man that I have the honor of calling my husband. Luke isn't perfect and he would be the first to say so. However, it is only by the protection, provision and counsel from him that I able to be what I am: A Mother to 5 Very Small Children.

Yesterday, at Baby Girl's hearing, it was all I could do to keep myself from falling apart in that courtroom. There are only 2 reasons that I was able to resemble someone who is emotionally stable. The first is the Wonderful Counselor that I serve and the second is Luke.

Luke is my rock. Let me tell you, very simply, that HE makes me the wife, mother, friend and woman who strives to be holy and deeply know my Lord. He is the reason (2nd to God, of course) that I am able to mother these children each and every day. I have never, ever met a person more selfless than my husband, ever.

While most men come home and need "their" time, Luke changes from his office clothes and jumps right in with the kids, house, dishes and diapers. Luke is the one who rescues me when I've had too much of "that one" (as I casually point out the problem child of the day). Luke is the one who allows me to sob into his chest, streaky mascara and all, and holds me close as the people on the sidewalk look on. Luke is the one who leads, disciples and provides for our family. And he takes his job so incredibly serious.

Truly, Luke is after God's heart. He wants, so desperately, to serve the Lord in everything he does...in his job, as a father, as a husband and a friend. I cannot brag on him enough. Sure, he has his moments, don't we all? But the one thing I have realized in the last few months is that I don't do enough to make his life easier. I should serve him better, listen to him more and do my best to be all that God ordained when he created me to be his help meet. I don't know if I take that role seriously.

When we got married I thought I loved Luke, and I really think I did to the best of my ability. However, in the (almost) 6 years that we've been married, God has so graciously shown me what it means to TRULY love my husband. A serving love, a love that is sacrificial and a love more abundant than anything I could have ever imagined. And the best part yet...I know I've got so much more to learn.

Please don't think that I am proclaiming our marriage as perfect, it is not. BUT, what I have discovered about myself and this wonderful man to which I'm married, is that TRUE love is a choice. Luke chooses to love me despite knowing all there is to know about me. He loves me because of the man he is and the God he serves. He loves me when I'm unlovable and cares for me when it could be easier to walk away.

I write all of this not to pump up Luke's ego (because he rarely reads my blog anyway) but rather to challenge myself and to challenge you. If you are married, tell your husband TODAY what you admire about him. Tell him the things that he does that are worthy of respect. Tell him, with thoughtful words, how much you need, adore and cherish him. NOT because he HAS to love you, but because he chooses to. Pray over him, pray over his job, his relationship with the Lord and his role(s) as husband, father, friend and son. Pray that he will feel the enormity of the role that he plays in your life and the life of your family. And, as you store these things up in your heart, cut him some incredible slack. I know that I am often so quick to judge and correct Luke in ways that I should not...a harsh tone, an ugly look, a hurtful comment. Because, I know that if ever the situation arose, he would offer his life for mine, without a second thought.

He is truly a man with my heart in his hands and he makes it so easy to be his wife.

Our wedding day: December 28, 2002

Oh Baby, if we only knew then what we know now, then we'd really be laughing!

Today was probably one of the hardest days we've faced so far in this journey. Here is the best way I can describe it to you:

Imagine sitting in a cold, hard room. With you are familiar faces, but no one you know who is a true ally. The person being discussed is someone you love dearly, someone you know you'd give your life for. Someone you have grown to cherish and dream about. Someone you have prayed over, cried over and hurt for. Now, imagine those familiar faces speaking about this person you love. At first, they begin by saying things you already know. Times this person has been hurt. If you're thinking of your child, it would be like them discussing a skinned knee, maybe a broken arm, or a fall that left a nasty bump on their head.

Then, they move on to talk about the person who had inflicted hurt and pain on your loved one. They discuss all the ways that this person has hurt other people. Those ways are the same as the ways that this person has hurt the one you love.

Now, imagine sitting there and being blindsided with information you never knew existed. Imagine them talking about harming your loved one in ways that are similar to torture. Imagine them discussing how your child has been abused, neglected and put in dangerous situations. This is more than skinned knees, bumped heads or broken arms. Now we are talking about REAL danger. Danger that comes with a death sentence. Danger that you know should have killed them. Danger that makes your heart break in half and ache for them in a way you've never known possible.

As I sat there in that court room this morning, listening to the things my precious Baby Girl has already endured in her lifetime, I lost all composure. The tears flowed freely and even now, as I write this, hot tears sting my eyes. During the adjudication, as the investigator spoke of the ways my child has been abused, she would glance up and me, but I saw no pain on her face.

I can only imagine that these people who work daily with abused and neglected children have become hardened. I see how it might shock them to see a woman, struggling to maintain some sort of composure, hurt this badly over a child she did not birth. I managed to only squeek out silent tears within the court room walls, but as soon as Luke and I stepped out of the courthouse, I lost it, we both did. As we stood there, both of us crying, shaking and holding each other, we mourned over the thought of having to tell our sweet Baby Girl all of the things she had to endure before she even drew her first breath.

Today we only had the Adjudication. Birth mom did not come to court. We return to court on January 12th for the Disposition, at which time DSS will recommend to the court Termination of Parental Rights (TPR). While I am thrilled with this decision, my heart remains heavy as I now know more than what is probably digestable.

Thank you for your prayers today. I know that the grace and mercy of the Lord carried us through and will continue to prove Him faithful in all things.

You hem me in- behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
Psalm 139:5-6