I used to believe in coincidences. I used to find irony interesting. I used to think that karma was something that truly existed and that I was lucky. I used to think that wishes came true. I thought all of these things before I came to know my Savior. Now, I realize that things happen according to a plan, His plan. Although I don't think our lives are mapped out for us, I do believe that God already knows the choices we'll make and the things He will set in motion so that we can fulfill our purposes for His kingdom.
It is no accident that Baby Girl is in our home. It isn't by coincidence or an interesting twist in irony how she came to live with us and I fell in love with her.
When we got the call on that Thursday, Luke and I prayed and talked over whether or not we should take this placement. We knew that God had called us to this ministry, but 5 kids 4 and under? Surely not. When we were told that we were the 5th family that had been called, my heart broke.
As I sat in a nurse's station 75 days ago, holding a sweet baby my heart melted and tears burned my eyes. As we sat in a courtroom 9 days ago and listened to the heartbreaking details of her life as she suffered in her mother's womb, God's plan continued to unfold.
I have struggled with whether our home is the best place for Baby Girl. It is not because I do not love her, but rather my worry about how our society will view a black child in a white home. I have prayed for God to reveal His desires to me, and over this Christmas He has done just that. How can I ever doubt that God, who so meticulously weaved together His plan so that she could be placed in our home, will fail us later? He will not. Failure is not His way.
God has gently reminded me that nothing happens by coincidence. It was not an accident that 5 other families denied Baby Girl's placement. In our struggle to decide if we should be Baby Girl's foster home, we told the social worker to call 1 more family. We told her that if they could not take her, that we would. When she called us back saying that all of the options had been exhausted, we knew God was asking us to step up to the plate. We were family #6, there was no #7. We trusted and stepped and He's carried us from then until now.
It was not because of luck that Baby Girl survived the neglect and abuse in her mother's body, only to arrive in this world perfect and whole and beautiful. It is not irony that we received Baby Girl just days before our good friends returned from the mission field. These friends that prayed with us over our ministry and led us to a crisis of belief where we knew we had to act in obedience to God's call. Nothing is coincidence when you're talking about God.
As for Baby Girl, I am 100% smitten with her. She is precious and lovely and completely perfect because she is God's creation. I cannot imagine our home or my life without her in it. I cherish our night time cuddles and early morning feedings. Tonight, as I watched her scream because her tummy hurt so badly, I knew just what to do to make her feel better. Why? Because she's my daughter and Mommies know how to help their babies.
I know I haven't posted about getting/adjusting/learning to love Baby Girl as much as I did when we got Baby D. But believe me, it's not because the emotion isn't there. It isn't because I love him more or she is second best.
It is purely because she makes me speechless. I cannot fathom how a mother could see her precious face, then turn and leave her at the hospital. I cannot stomach that Baby Girl had immense tremors because of her mother's addiction. It makes tears stream down my face and my heart grieve with loss.
So, if I don't discuss my emotions surrounding Baby Girl's past and her being our "foster baby" do not believe for one second that it is because they do not exist. They are there and they are real. But until she is ours forever, I do not know if I can allow myself to dwell on anything other than my love for her. I cannot think of those other things because as her mother, dwelling on my baby's hurt is just too much for me to bear. If that flood gate opened, I don't know if I'd be able to shut it again.
For now, I must focus on the fact that I have 3 beautiful daughters. All 3 so incredibly perfect, designed by a Creator who made no mistake in their form. In the depths of their mothers' wombs He perfected them and knit them according to His plans for their lives. They are treasures that I am blessed enough to hold and kiss and love each day. They are a taste of heaven that I can hold in my arms and I praise my Lord for the perfection of their design.
But mostly, I thank Him for giving them each to me. I praise Him for His tremendous plan and that He allows me to have a tiny portion of His glory right here, asleep in my home.
For you created my inmost being;
It is no accident that Baby Girl is in our home. It isn't by coincidence or an interesting twist in irony how she came to live with us and I fell in love with her.
When we got the call on that Thursday, Luke and I prayed and talked over whether or not we should take this placement. We knew that God had called us to this ministry, but 5 kids 4 and under? Surely not. When we were told that we were the 5th family that had been called, my heart broke.
As I sat in a nurse's station 75 days ago, holding a sweet baby my heart melted and tears burned my eyes. As we sat in a courtroom 9 days ago and listened to the heartbreaking details of her life as she suffered in her mother's womb, God's plan continued to unfold.
I have struggled with whether our home is the best place for Baby Girl. It is not because I do not love her, but rather my worry about how our society will view a black child in a white home. I have prayed for God to reveal His desires to me, and over this Christmas He has done just that. How can I ever doubt that God, who so meticulously weaved together His plan so that she could be placed in our home, will fail us later? He will not. Failure is not His way.
God has gently reminded me that nothing happens by coincidence. It was not an accident that 5 other families denied Baby Girl's placement. In our struggle to decide if we should be Baby Girl's foster home, we told the social worker to call 1 more family. We told her that if they could not take her, that we would. When she called us back saying that all of the options had been exhausted, we knew God was asking us to step up to the plate. We were family #6, there was no #7. We trusted and stepped and He's carried us from then until now.
It was not because of luck that Baby Girl survived the neglect and abuse in her mother's body, only to arrive in this world perfect and whole and beautiful. It is not irony that we received Baby Girl just days before our good friends returned from the mission field. These friends that prayed with us over our ministry and led us to a crisis of belief where we knew we had to act in obedience to God's call. Nothing is coincidence when you're talking about God.
As for Baby Girl, I am 100% smitten with her. She is precious and lovely and completely perfect because she is God's creation. I cannot imagine our home or my life without her in it. I cherish our night time cuddles and early morning feedings. Tonight, as I watched her scream because her tummy hurt so badly, I knew just what to do to make her feel better. Why? Because she's my daughter and Mommies know how to help their babies.
I know I haven't posted about getting/adjusting/learning to love Baby Girl as much as I did when we got Baby D. But believe me, it's not because the emotion isn't there. It isn't because I love him more or she is second best.
It is purely because she makes me speechless. I cannot fathom how a mother could see her precious face, then turn and leave her at the hospital. I cannot stomach that Baby Girl had immense tremors because of her mother's addiction. It makes tears stream down my face and my heart grieve with loss.
So, if I don't discuss my emotions surrounding Baby Girl's past and her being our "foster baby" do not believe for one second that it is because they do not exist. They are there and they are real. But until she is ours forever, I do not know if I can allow myself to dwell on anything other than my love for her. I cannot think of those other things because as her mother, dwelling on my baby's hurt is just too much for me to bear. If that flood gate opened, I don't know if I'd be able to shut it again.
For now, I must focus on the fact that I have 3 beautiful daughters. All 3 so incredibly perfect, designed by a Creator who made no mistake in their form. In the depths of their mothers' wombs He perfected them and knit them according to His plans for their lives. They are treasures that I am blessed enough to hold and kiss and love each day. They are a taste of heaven that I can hold in my arms and I praise my Lord for the perfection of their design.
But mostly, I thank Him for giving them each to me. I praise Him for His tremendous plan and that He allows me to have a tiny portion of His glory right here, asleep in my home.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
Your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.