Last night, some of our friends came over. Matt and Britt are the kind of friends that can handle the raw us. They have pretty much seen the range of emotions we've had since getting sweet Baby D (except cry, because I don't do that...right?). I treasure their friendship more than they'll ever know. With them, we have a closeness that seems as thought it's been there for ages, even though when I stop and think we've really only been friends with them for less than 2 years (which just completely blows my mind).
Basically Britt is just like Luke (which is why I love her so much I think) and Matt and I are quite similar as well. He and I love to debate and usually Britt and Luke can't get a word in edgewise. So last night, they came over and we were debriefing them about our time in court. I say debrief because that's exactly what it feels like with them. We strip everything down and get to the bare bones, then they continue to help us pick it apart. I love that we can do that with them and that we don't have to hold back. We can rant and say things that are purely selfish and they allow it, knowing it's not really our true heart but rather something we just needed to say. If you have friends like this, you understand what I'm talking about. If you don't, find some.
Last night, Luke and I were really getting worked up. Luke was ranting about how obvious it is that we would be the best place for Baby D. We were going on and on about how sorry we thought it was that the birth parents didn't even ask about him yesterday. We were venting about how ridiculous it was that the attorney made it abundantly clear to the court that the birth parents paid for Baby D's circumcision, even thought it was "elective." While Luke and I understand where the attorney is coming from, he was pitching their actions to the court as if they should win a Parent of the Year award or something. Disgusting. After Luke finished his rant, this is basically how mine went:
Basically Britt is just like Luke (which is why I love her so much I think) and Matt and I are quite similar as well. He and I love to debate and usually Britt and Luke can't get a word in edgewise. So last night, they came over and we were debriefing them about our time in court. I say debrief because that's exactly what it feels like with them. We strip everything down and get to the bare bones, then they continue to help us pick it apart. I love that we can do that with them and that we don't have to hold back. We can rant and say things that are purely selfish and they allow it, knowing it's not really our true heart but rather something we just needed to say. If you have friends like this, you understand what I'm talking about. If you don't, find some.
Last night, Luke and I were really getting worked up. Luke was ranting about how obvious it is that we would be the best place for Baby D. We were going on and on about how sorry we thought it was that the birth parents didn't even ask about him yesterday. We were venting about how ridiculous it was that the attorney made it abundantly clear to the court that the birth parents paid for Baby D's circumcision, even thought it was "elective." While Luke and I understand where the attorney is coming from, he was pitching their actions to the court as if they should win a Parent of the Year award or something. Disgusting. After Luke finished his rant, this is basically how mine went:
Absolutely! I mean, let's make sure everyone knows that they paid for the circumcision. I mean, after all it is expensive to parent a child. I mean, we've hardly done anything for Baby D. We've just paid the power bill so that he could have heat, lights and warm water. We've only paid the water bill so he could have water in his bottle to mix his formula. We've only provided every diaper he's ever used. We've only paid for the gas in our car to take him to the doctor. We've done those things because THAT'S WHAT PARENTS DO!
Then Matt said something that really made me stop and think. It wasn't his intention to convict me, but I know God placed that thought in his head because it was exactly what I needed to hear. He said, Yeah, if this was a custody battle it would be over.
That's it. In my mind, this entire thing has been a custody battle of sorts. It has been about what seems to be Baby D's obvious best interest, in my opinion. I don't know if I've been looking for validation, or if God just chose to make it obvious. I can see clearly that we are doing what is in the best interest of this Baby. I need no further reason other than being a mother. Mothers love their babies. Mothers care for them, despite impending heartache. Mothers choose to love above all else. Mothers do what it takes to care for their kids. Mothers make sacrifices. I'm a mother to Baby D, not someone on one side of a courtroom, fighting for custody. I love how God completely places situations, friends and comments in my path to redirect my heart just when it begins to slip.
This week I read Hebrews 11. I realized that my God is faithful. I realized that I am not. I need to place all of my faith in Him. If He chooses to bless me with the desires of my heart, then I am unworthy. If He chooses to increase my faith through a challenging outcome, then I am unworthy. Either way, God stays the same and I remain in a place of choice. For me, the choice is simple, I choose to have faith. I choose to trust. I choose His way, because really, what other choice do I have? One day, He will show me the promised land. The journey to get there will be nothing like I expected. I have faith that He loves me and desires the best for me. The joy is in the journey and my faith lies in Him. I love Hebrews 11:40
That's it. In my mind, this entire thing has been a custody battle of sorts. It has been about what seems to be Baby D's obvious best interest, in my opinion. I don't know if I've been looking for validation, or if God just chose to make it obvious. I can see clearly that we are doing what is in the best interest of this Baby. I need no further reason other than being a mother. Mothers love their babies. Mothers care for them, despite impending heartache. Mothers choose to love above all else. Mothers do what it takes to care for their kids. Mothers make sacrifices. I'm a mother to Baby D, not someone on one side of a courtroom, fighting for custody. I love how God completely places situations, friends and comments in my path to redirect my heart just when it begins to slip.
This week I read Hebrews 11. I realized that my God is faithful. I realized that I am not. I need to place all of my faith in Him. If He chooses to bless me with the desires of my heart, then I am unworthy. If He chooses to increase my faith through a challenging outcome, then I am unworthy. Either way, God stays the same and I remain in a place of choice. For me, the choice is simple, I choose to have faith. I choose to trust. I choose His way, because really, what other choice do I have? One day, He will show me the promised land. The journey to get there will be nothing like I expected. I have faith that He loves me and desires the best for me. The joy is in the journey and my faith lies in Him. I love Hebrews 11:40
God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.
He has something better for us. Together, with great friends, He is making me perfect.
He has something better for us. Together, with great friends, He is making me perfect.