Through this entire fostering process it has been so evident that God is with us. He has shown us time and time again that this is exactly where He wants us to be. Through criticism, frustration and outside opinions we've not waivered. Sure, I've doubted my abilities, but God hasn't given us an out, and until He does we're in this for a while.
Just one of the many ways that God confirmed for us that we're not totally crazy is by bringing the Hauts into our life. The Hauts also have 3 birth children. Their kids' ages are 5, 3 & 19 months. They have been married about 6ish years and I think they met in college. Sound familiar? Seriously, the only closer it could get is if they had twins too, then it would just be creepy. Anyway, Beth and I are so similar in a lot of ways. I think we're both pretty straight forward people, easy to talk to and laid back. When she approached me at our foster parent classes and struck up a conversation, I was THRILLED to learn that they had 3 kids already as well. Luke and Noah (her husband) hit is off as well and a friendship was formed.
Even though we haven't spent copious amounts of time together (although 30 hours of MAPP classes seemed like eternity), we have a bond with them. It's deeper than words can speak and I believe it is because of our mutual love for the Lord and our willingness to love on kids. I checked out Beth's adoption blog yesterday and below is what I found. I bolded the parts that hit home for me. Basically, it's like she stepped into my heart, took notes and posted it on her blog. Seriously.
Today marks Baby L being with us for one full month! This has been the longest and shortest month of my life. Long because the sleepless nights and bottles and laundry and cleaning (a constant battle) seem to go on and on and on. Short because I can't believe it will be September next month...(I omitted some since we don't go to a pool, if you want it all, check it out).
One month in and I can say I never expected the emotional impact to be as gut wrenching as it has been. I have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that this baby I love as my own, is not my own. I may have to let him go at some point. Just thinking about this makes me want to sob. The concept isn't foreign to me. This comes as no surprise. Fostering means a possibility of adoption. Fostering means a possibility of reunification with the birth family.
I suppose it may be easier once I see the birth parents. Right now, I don't have that tangible reality... we simply have been loving this baby for a month and have had very little contact with social services and no interaction with birth parents. It FEELS like he is OURS. I LONG for him to be OURS. I want his birth parents to simply realize he is better off with us, and sign away their rights. But this is doubtful to happen. They may drag this out, and try to get him back. It may be a year of grueling drama and heartache over each court date. I just don't know how this is going to end up.
The lack of control is frustrating (yes I love control). I am Mommy to this child. A son. MY son. I know him better than any other person on this planet. He has slept in my arms more than anyone else's. I have fed him more bottles, given him more kisses. His birth mom hasn't seen him in over a month. Does she care about him? Really? Does is bother her that he is being loved and adored by a different woman? That he doesn't know who she is, and she doesn't know what he likes to be comforted? That she doesn't even know what he looks like now, and if she saw us in a store, she wouldn't realize he was her son?
There are so many disturbing aspects to all of this. My heart is constantly at battle between trying to forgive and have compassion for this woman, as Christ would do... but in reality, I want her to disappear. I want her to be thrown in jail. I want her to truly understand her mistakes and be riddled with guilt. I want her to let go of her son because she suddenly sees it's the right thing to do... or maybe even the easiest thing to do. If she signed her rights away, there would be less work on her part. She could just keep on with her lifestyle. And even worse, I hope she fails. Quickly and obviously fails. So much so that the court terminates her rights swiftly. And I hope the father is too lazy to do what it takes to get his son back. I am horrible, huh?
But if they had a GOD altering change in their lives. If they came to know Christ and his healing. If they were completely redeemed and washed clean of their filthy lives. If the love for their son was true and their lives were forever changed for the better. Then I could see letting Baby L go back without nearly so much heartache. All things are possible with God. But if this is not the case, my prayer is for Baby L to stay with us. Either way, I pray his life will be an amazing testimony to God's graciousness and compassion.
If you have made it to this point in my diatribe, you have seen a small piece of my heart. It's not always pretty. It is often sinful and selfish. I am sure I will have more rants in the future. I am sure this process will only become more difficult as the love for Baby L grows daily. Please pray for us. Pray for God's will to be done, and pray that our hearts will accept His will, no matter what the circumstance. And pray that through it all, we will rejoice in His love and be obedient to His commands.
Baby L is just 3 days older than Baby D, once again..not coincidence. Although their stories are very different, the way that Beth speaks basically details how I feel. I don't feel as though I've been completely honest in my feelings on this blog. If you want to know my heart, if you want to know my stance, if you want to know exactly what my soul is screaming, read Beth's words again VERY slowly. I find it refreshing and challenging all at the same time. I am so incredibly blessed to call her my friend, and I praise God that He provided someone who knows EXACTLY what I'm going through.
Thank you Lord, thank you.
Just one of the many ways that God confirmed for us that we're not totally crazy is by bringing the Hauts into our life. The Hauts also have 3 birth children. Their kids' ages are 5, 3 & 19 months. They have been married about 6ish years and I think they met in college. Sound familiar? Seriously, the only closer it could get is if they had twins too, then it would just be creepy. Anyway, Beth and I are so similar in a lot of ways. I think we're both pretty straight forward people, easy to talk to and laid back. When she approached me at our foster parent classes and struck up a conversation, I was THRILLED to learn that they had 3 kids already as well. Luke and Noah (her husband) hit is off as well and a friendship was formed.
Even though we haven't spent copious amounts of time together (although 30 hours of MAPP classes seemed like eternity), we have a bond with them. It's deeper than words can speak and I believe it is because of our mutual love for the Lord and our willingness to love on kids. I checked out Beth's adoption blog yesterday and below is what I found. I bolded the parts that hit home for me. Basically, it's like she stepped into my heart, took notes and posted it on her blog. Seriously.
Today marks Baby L being with us for one full month! This has been the longest and shortest month of my life. Long because the sleepless nights and bottles and laundry and cleaning (a constant battle) seem to go on and on and on. Short because I can't believe it will be September next month...(I omitted some since we don't go to a pool, if you want it all, check it out).
One month in and I can say I never expected the emotional impact to be as gut wrenching as it has been. I have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that this baby I love as my own, is not my own. I may have to let him go at some point. Just thinking about this makes me want to sob. The concept isn't foreign to me. This comes as no surprise. Fostering means a possibility of adoption. Fostering means a possibility of reunification with the birth family.
I suppose it may be easier once I see the birth parents. Right now, I don't have that tangible reality... we simply have been loving this baby for a month and have had very little contact with social services and no interaction with birth parents. It FEELS like he is OURS. I LONG for him to be OURS. I want his birth parents to simply realize he is better off with us, and sign away their rights. But this is doubtful to happen. They may drag this out, and try to get him back. It may be a year of grueling drama and heartache over each court date. I just don't know how this is going to end up.
The lack of control is frustrating (yes I love control). I am Mommy to this child. A son. MY son. I know him better than any other person on this planet. He has slept in my arms more than anyone else's. I have fed him more bottles, given him more kisses. His birth mom hasn't seen him in over a month. Does she care about him? Really? Does is bother her that he is being loved and adored by a different woman? That he doesn't know who she is, and she doesn't know what he likes to be comforted? That she doesn't even know what he looks like now, and if she saw us in a store, she wouldn't realize he was her son?
There are so many disturbing aspects to all of this. My heart is constantly at battle between trying to forgive and have compassion for this woman, as Christ would do... but in reality, I want her to disappear. I want her to be thrown in jail. I want her to truly understand her mistakes and be riddled with guilt. I want her to let go of her son because she suddenly sees it's the right thing to do... or maybe even the easiest thing to do. If she signed her rights away, there would be less work on her part. She could just keep on with her lifestyle. And even worse, I hope she fails. Quickly and obviously fails. So much so that the court terminates her rights swiftly. And I hope the father is too lazy to do what it takes to get his son back. I am horrible, huh?
But if they had a GOD altering change in their lives. If they came to know Christ and his healing. If they were completely redeemed and washed clean of their filthy lives. If the love for their son was true and their lives were forever changed for the better. Then I could see letting Baby L go back without nearly so much heartache. All things are possible with God. But if this is not the case, my prayer is for Baby L to stay with us. Either way, I pray his life will be an amazing testimony to God's graciousness and compassion.
If you have made it to this point in my diatribe, you have seen a small piece of my heart. It's not always pretty. It is often sinful and selfish. I am sure I will have more rants in the future. I am sure this process will only become more difficult as the love for Baby L grows daily. Please pray for us. Pray for God's will to be done, and pray that our hearts will accept His will, no matter what the circumstance. And pray that through it all, we will rejoice in His love and be obedient to His commands.
Baby L is just 3 days older than Baby D, once again..not coincidence. Although their stories are very different, the way that Beth speaks basically details how I feel. I don't feel as though I've been completely honest in my feelings on this blog. If you want to know my heart, if you want to know my stance, if you want to know exactly what my soul is screaming, read Beth's words again VERY slowly. I find it refreshing and challenging all at the same time. I am so incredibly blessed to call her my friend, and I praise God that He provided someone who knows EXACTLY what I'm going through.
Thank you Lord, thank you.