Seven years ago I was a senior in college. Our country was freshly grieving the losses of September 11th. Patriotism was evident on every car, every flagpole and in every American heart. My family had just buried my Great Uncle Vaughn.
I remember that time in my life very well. I had just broken up with this other guy I was dating and Luke and I were trying to figure out what we were going to do with our relationship.
Luke and I had been dating since my sophomore year in college. However, when he graduated and moved to Memphis, complications from a prior relationship of his put a serious strain on me. I had broken up with him in June-ish and started dated someone else that summer.
Then, unexpectedly, my Uncle Vaughn was killed. He died on September 9th. I left college and traveled the 60 miles back to my hometown. I called Luke on the way to tell him that I was hurting. He knew my family well. I needed him. This new guy wouldn't know anyone and a funeral is not a place to introduce a new person. Luke came immediately.
My life was so upside down. I vaguely knew Jesus. I had heard about him in Sunday School when I was a kid, and when my Mom dragged me to church on Sundays during the summer. He wasn't a real person. He was a story.
There have been days that I have begged for God to give me a glimpse of the future. I pray that He will let me see what is in store for us. I pray for just a taste, a small picture of what our life will be like in 6 months, 12 months, 5 years. Although He speaks clearly, He never gives me those pictures I beg for. Now, I think I know why.
You see, 7 years ago if God had shown me my life today I wouldn't have believed Him. I wouldn't have understood. I would have counted God as a liar.
How could someone go from so broken, so shallow, and so empty to what I am now? Sure, I still have my days of self-pity, selfishness and just sheer sinfulness. However, my life is different. My heart is different. There's no way the me of 7 years ago, would have believed my life of today.
Then I was broken. Now I'm restored. Then I was dirty. Now I am clean. That boyfriend who caused me so much pain, is now a husband who honors me, loves me and reminds me daily who I want to be. The burdens of school and job searching have been replaced with a purpose beyond all understanding. The triviality of the day to day has been replaced with a focus on eternity.
The desperate desire I had for freedom now knows true freedom.
I remember so clearly wanting to know, wanting to see what my future held. I wanted a small taste, a picture of my future. Now I know, that had God granted me my wish, I would have never believed.
I needed each event in my life to lead me to Him. I needed the pain, the distance, the sadness, the death to show me where He was. I needed the journey.
These last few days I've been thinking a lot about what our life will be like in a few years. I wonder if Baby D will really be ours. I wonder what life will be like when our current 4 are TEENAGERS in our home.
I used to ask God for a glimpse of the future, now I know why that would never work.
There is no way I would ever believe the blessings He has in store for me.
There is no way I could understand the new passions, complexities and desires He will place in me. There is no way I could grasp the new me without going through the growing processes to get me there.
When I think about my future, instead of looking at it in wonder I now see it with excitement. I cannot wait to see the blessings God will pour out.
I know that my road will be marked with suffering, sadness, tears and emotion. I also know that I am not traveling alone. As these thoughts have rolled through my mind these last few days, First Corinthians Chapter 2 flows with them. Specifically verse 9:
I remember that time in my life very well. I had just broken up with this other guy I was dating and Luke and I were trying to figure out what we were going to do with our relationship.
Luke and I had been dating since my sophomore year in college. However, when he graduated and moved to Memphis, complications from a prior relationship of his put a serious strain on me. I had broken up with him in June-ish and started dated someone else that summer.
Then, unexpectedly, my Uncle Vaughn was killed. He died on September 9th. I left college and traveled the 60 miles back to my hometown. I called Luke on the way to tell him that I was hurting. He knew my family well. I needed him. This new guy wouldn't know anyone and a funeral is not a place to introduce a new person. Luke came immediately.
My life was so upside down. I vaguely knew Jesus. I had heard about him in Sunday School when I was a kid, and when my Mom dragged me to church on Sundays during the summer. He wasn't a real person. He was a story.
There have been days that I have begged for God to give me a glimpse of the future. I pray that He will let me see what is in store for us. I pray for just a taste, a small picture of what our life will be like in 6 months, 12 months, 5 years. Although He speaks clearly, He never gives me those pictures I beg for. Now, I think I know why.
You see, 7 years ago if God had shown me my life today I wouldn't have believed Him. I wouldn't have understood. I would have counted God as a liar.
How could someone go from so broken, so shallow, and so empty to what I am now? Sure, I still have my days of self-pity, selfishness and just sheer sinfulness. However, my life is different. My heart is different. There's no way the me of 7 years ago, would have believed my life of today.
Then I was broken. Now I'm restored. Then I was dirty. Now I am clean. That boyfriend who caused me so much pain, is now a husband who honors me, loves me and reminds me daily who I want to be. The burdens of school and job searching have been replaced with a purpose beyond all understanding. The triviality of the day to day has been replaced with a focus on eternity.
The desperate desire I had for freedom now knows true freedom.
I remember so clearly wanting to know, wanting to see what my future held. I wanted a small taste, a picture of my future. Now I know, that had God granted me my wish, I would have never believed.
I needed each event in my life to lead me to Him. I needed the pain, the distance, the sadness, the death to show me where He was. I needed the journey.
These last few days I've been thinking a lot about what our life will be like in a few years. I wonder if Baby D will really be ours. I wonder what life will be like when our current 4 are TEENAGERS in our home.
I used to ask God for a glimpse of the future, now I know why that would never work.
There is no way I would ever believe the blessings He has in store for me.
There is no way I could understand the new passions, complexities and desires He will place in me. There is no way I could grasp the new me without going through the growing processes to get me there.
When I think about my future, instead of looking at it in wonder I now see it with excitement. I cannot wait to see the blessings God will pour out.
I know that my road will be marked with suffering, sadness, tears and emotion. I also know that I am not traveling alone. As these thoughts have rolled through my mind these last few days, First Corinthians Chapter 2 flows with them. Specifically verse 9:
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined
what God has prepared for those who love him.”
(a reference to Isaiah 64:4)
what God has prepared for those who love him.”
(a reference to Isaiah 64:4)
I truly know that God has prepared things for me that my mind, ears and eyes could never understand. I stand in awe knowing that the Creator of the universe cares enough about me to shape and mold me into the daughter He has created me to be.
As I eagerly anticipate the new blessings, I pray that as they come I will see them in all forms.
Sadness, grief, loss, joy, happiness, laughter and pain.
I pray that God gives me eyes to see and ears to hear all of the blessings He has in store. I may not know the days before me, but I know the One who has counted them, blessed them and ordained them.
Who needs a glimpse of the future when you're staring at that?
As I eagerly anticipate the new blessings, I pray that as they come I will see them in all forms.
Sadness, grief, loss, joy, happiness, laughter and pain.
I pray that God gives me eyes to see and ears to hear all of the blessings He has in store. I may not know the days before me, but I know the One who has counted them, blessed them and ordained them.
Who needs a glimpse of the future when you're staring at that?