This morning, I woke up at 6:15am (yes, that's correct). Have I mentioned I'm not a morning person? I did NOT bound out of bed, but I did manage to maintain some sort of coherent brain function because at 6:35am I got out of the bed. By 6:40am I was pounding the pavement. I did well, running for almost the entire 20 minutes. I knew that I had to be home by 7:00 so that I could shower and get ready for Classical. It felt so good to be out there with the cool, crisp morning air.
The last few runs I've listened to Podcasts, because in the past music didn't distract me enough from the actual task of running. This morning, I felt like God was saying, just listen to the music, and with it worship me. So, I did. I even caught myself attempting to sing some (I say attempt because I hardly had breath to sing with). I kept telling Him that I couldn't believe He's placed this desire in me. I haven't dry heaved once since the running thing began. It's so unlike me. It made me think about the other changes that He has made in me. As I look back at the "old me" and even the me that has changed since when I first believed, I can see such a drastic difference. The thing that baffles me most is that I'm still ME. I'm still the same old Jessica, just different, newer, cleaner. Let me give you some examples:
1. I've always been the loud person in the group, usually saying everything that comes to mind. Those of you who have only known me in the last 5 or so years must be saying to yourself "Is that different from now?"
Yes, it is. Drastically. I have always had issues controlling my tongue. I'd say anything to get a laugh. I would use profanity to accentuate my stories and often incorporate lies into what I told just to see others laugh and get their approval.
In the last few years, God has shown me how much these words and lies destroy my character and my heart. Although I still slip and say things that are not a blessing, I now have fewer and fewer thoughts that spur these comments. I see the change in my heart and I can only give God the credit. If left to myself, I'd still be walking down a path of destruction with my mouth leading and proclaiming the way (James 3:1-11).
2. Laziness has always plagued me. It has manifested itself as procrastination, a dirty house, spending extra money on things rather than maintaining what I already had and obsessing over the most trivial of tasks as to avoid major ones. Very few times in my life has laziness not been an issue. Usually, those times were only when deadlines were hours away or if negative consequences were attached (like running for punishment for example...sorry, I couldn't resist).
Now, I look at my life differently. Although I still struggle to keep my house clean, I know that good time management is essential for the upkeep of my family. I'm still not where I need to be, but I'm so much further than where I started. I know my roommates from college probably wonder what my house must look like with 6 people living in it. Thankfully, God has placed in me the desire to keep things somewhat pick up. I'm not OCD like some of my friends (who I'll graciously let remain nameless) but I'm not the person I used to be.
3. The most un-obvious (is that a word) yet most dramatic change must be my heart. I know this encompasses the majority of my behavior changes so I'll just address it here and leave it be. From the outside looking in, one may not notice this heart change. However, for me it has been huge. Behaviors have been modified, eradicated and eliminated because of the new condition of my heart. The way I feel about others and the way I feel about myself is so totally different. It's indescribable.
I used to be so judgmental, so condescending, so hurtful of other people. I allowed all types of negativity into my mind and heart. I had no regard for the people around me. Everyone was for my disposal. How could these people serve me? Now, my heart is becoming that of a servant. I see that I need to serve others. I need to allow myself to experience their hurt, their pain, a day in their shoes. While the old me's thoughts drifted to those of persecution and judgment, the new me thinks of ways to help increase the quality of the lives of others. I still have a long way to go.
Nothing can describe or have created this change other than Christ Jesus. I could not change myself. Nothing could save me from the life I had before. Although I still have so very far to go, nothing or no one else could have made this change in me. I now desire to do God's work. I desire time with Him, I long for His presence (Phil. 2:13).
The point is, I could not continue in my old ways and proclaim to be changed by the blood of Jesus (1 Cor. 6:9-11). I know, I know, all this sounds so "churchy." When the old me encountered people who said the things I'm saying they sounded so "Holier than thou." The truth is, I sometimes think things and wonder, is that really me now? Am I really that much different? Or, is it just easier now? Is it easier to be free from sexual sin because I am married? Is it easier to be free from the destructive lifestyle of parties and alcohol because I have the responsibility of kids to keep me grounded? It is easier to watch my mouth because I have little ears listening to my every breath? The truth is....I don't know. What I do know is that I don't feel the same as I did before. I don't think the thoughts I used to think. I don't feel the anger, the hurt, the dirt I used to feel. Certainly that can't be attributed to a change in my environment. Only one Person, one Spirit could change me from the inside out.
I often ask myself, do others see me as Christ follower or a Bible beater? My prayer is that my life is a reflection of love. That as I shed the clothes of my old self and I put on the cloak of my new person, that my life will reflect the true love I have for my Savior, Jesus Christ (Ephesians 4:22-24).
If you hear an air of authority in my voice, if you hear an ounce of holiness, if you see a speck of self-righteousness know that it is not of my own accord that I have been made new. I am new because of He who lives within me. I have changed because of the love of the Spirit inside. I am a DAILY sinner. I still struggle with things that I wouldn't dare mention to close friends, much less on a blog. I am still so fallen, I am even still so very sinful. The good news is that He loves me despite it all.
I think back to the old me just 5ish years ago. I think back to the way my mind worked, the way I WANTED to be important. The way I struggled to give God glory because, quite honestly, I wanted all the glory for me. I remember thinking that I should get some credit. After all, I was a good person. I think about how much I've changed, yet how much I'm still the same old me and...I stand in awe. I love this verse I just found on BibleGateway.com:
The last few runs I've listened to Podcasts, because in the past music didn't distract me enough from the actual task of running. This morning, I felt like God was saying, just listen to the music, and with it worship me. So, I did. I even caught myself attempting to sing some (I say attempt because I hardly had breath to sing with). I kept telling Him that I couldn't believe He's placed this desire in me. I haven't dry heaved once since the running thing began. It's so unlike me. It made me think about the other changes that He has made in me. As I look back at the "old me" and even the me that has changed since when I first believed, I can see such a drastic difference. The thing that baffles me most is that I'm still ME. I'm still the same old Jessica, just different, newer, cleaner. Let me give you some examples:
1. I've always been the loud person in the group, usually saying everything that comes to mind. Those of you who have only known me in the last 5 or so years must be saying to yourself "Is that different from now?"
Yes, it is. Drastically. I have always had issues controlling my tongue. I'd say anything to get a laugh. I would use profanity to accentuate my stories and often incorporate lies into what I told just to see others laugh and get their approval.
In the last few years, God has shown me how much these words and lies destroy my character and my heart. Although I still slip and say things that are not a blessing, I now have fewer and fewer thoughts that spur these comments. I see the change in my heart and I can only give God the credit. If left to myself, I'd still be walking down a path of destruction with my mouth leading and proclaiming the way (James 3:1-11).
2. Laziness has always plagued me. It has manifested itself as procrastination, a dirty house, spending extra money on things rather than maintaining what I already had and obsessing over the most trivial of tasks as to avoid major ones. Very few times in my life has laziness not been an issue. Usually, those times were only when deadlines were hours away or if negative consequences were attached (like running for punishment for example...sorry, I couldn't resist).
Now, I look at my life differently. Although I still struggle to keep my house clean, I know that good time management is essential for the upkeep of my family. I'm still not where I need to be, but I'm so much further than where I started. I know my roommates from college probably wonder what my house must look like with 6 people living in it. Thankfully, God has placed in me the desire to keep things somewhat pick up. I'm not OCD like some of my friends (who I'll graciously let remain nameless) but I'm not the person I used to be.
3. The most un-obvious (is that a word) yet most dramatic change must be my heart. I know this encompasses the majority of my behavior changes so I'll just address it here and leave it be. From the outside looking in, one may not notice this heart change. However, for me it has been huge. Behaviors have been modified, eradicated and eliminated because of the new condition of my heart. The way I feel about others and the way I feel about myself is so totally different. It's indescribable.
I used to be so judgmental, so condescending, so hurtful of other people. I allowed all types of negativity into my mind and heart. I had no regard for the people around me. Everyone was for my disposal. How could these people serve me? Now, my heart is becoming that of a servant. I see that I need to serve others. I need to allow myself to experience their hurt, their pain, a day in their shoes. While the old me's thoughts drifted to those of persecution and judgment, the new me thinks of ways to help increase the quality of the lives of others. I still have a long way to go.
Nothing can describe or have created this change other than Christ Jesus. I could not change myself. Nothing could save me from the life I had before. Although I still have so very far to go, nothing or no one else could have made this change in me. I now desire to do God's work. I desire time with Him, I long for His presence (Phil. 2:13).
The point is, I could not continue in my old ways and proclaim to be changed by the blood of Jesus (1 Cor. 6:9-11). I know, I know, all this sounds so "churchy." When the old me encountered people who said the things I'm saying they sounded so "Holier than thou." The truth is, I sometimes think things and wonder, is that really me now? Am I really that much different? Or, is it just easier now? Is it easier to be free from sexual sin because I am married? Is it easier to be free from the destructive lifestyle of parties and alcohol because I have the responsibility of kids to keep me grounded? It is easier to watch my mouth because I have little ears listening to my every breath? The truth is....I don't know. What I do know is that I don't feel the same as I did before. I don't think the thoughts I used to think. I don't feel the anger, the hurt, the dirt I used to feel. Certainly that can't be attributed to a change in my environment. Only one Person, one Spirit could change me from the inside out.
I often ask myself, do others see me as Christ follower or a Bible beater? My prayer is that my life is a reflection of love. That as I shed the clothes of my old self and I put on the cloak of my new person, that my life will reflect the true love I have for my Savior, Jesus Christ (Ephesians 4:22-24).
If you hear an air of authority in my voice, if you hear an ounce of holiness, if you see a speck of self-righteousness know that it is not of my own accord that I have been made new. I am new because of He who lives within me. I have changed because of the love of the Spirit inside. I am a DAILY sinner. I still struggle with things that I wouldn't dare mention to close friends, much less on a blog. I am still so fallen, I am even still so very sinful. The good news is that He loves me despite it all.
I think back to the old me just 5ish years ago. I think back to the way my mind worked, the way I WANTED to be important. The way I struggled to give God glory because, quite honestly, I wanted all the glory for me. I remember thinking that I should get some credit. After all, I was a good person. I think about how much I've changed, yet how much I'm still the same old me and...I stand in awe. I love this verse I just found on BibleGateway.com:
“The Lord your God will change your heart and the hearts of all your descendants, so that you will love him with all your heart and soul and so you may live! The Lord your God will inflict all these curses on your enemies and on those who hate and persecute you. Then you will again obey the Lord and keep all his commands that I am giving you today.
“The Lord your God will then make you successful in everything you do. He will give you many children and numerous livestock, and he will cause your fields to produce abundant harvests, for the Lord will again delight in being good to you as he was to your ancestors. The Lord your God will delight in you if you obey his voice and keep the commands and decrees written in this Book of Instruction, and if you turn to the Lord your God with all your heart and soul.
~ Deuteronomy 30:6-10
I love how the Lord of creation decreed this for His people thousands of years ago, yet it still explains my heart today, in 2008. I love that the Lord knows me better than I know myself. I love that He keeps His promises. I feel the abudance spoken of in those verses above. I feel the change in my heart. I feel His blessings and it's all because He chose to call me. I'm so glad, for once, I listened to someone other than myself.