Okay, so you know how I said here that I planned on spending that driving time reading and memorizing scriptures and catching up on my Bible study book? Well, I must confess, I didn't even crack my Bible open. Well, that's not true either, I did open it on Sunday when we visited my BFF's church. I DID get caught up with my Bible study book, but I don't know that I like it very much. But, that's another post entirely.
Anyway, the point in my confessing is that I feel the need to tell you all that I struggled a lot on vacation. You see, being in my hometown is bittersweet for me. If you read this you will know that my time in high school wasn't great. Being "home" always comes with a level of anxiety for me. Usually, I can tolerate it. However, this year more family drama added to the mix made it just a bit more stressful. Now pour in some hurt and pain from issues with another family member and you have nothing short of a recipe for self-pity pie.
Here at home, in my own environment, snuggly safe in my own world, these things do not pose any threats. I can turn to trusted friends who are also believers, blogs of other believers and even prayer to help me through life's daily struggles. On vacation, those first two were not readily available. And I chose NOT to use the third. Why am I telling you all of this? Why am I exposing myself? Because I feel that you deserve the truth? Not really.
I am blogging this because I feel that saying it outloud, with other people watching will remind me of the real place that I should go to find comfort...Him.
So, I'm telling you that numerous times on our vacation I should have cracked my Bible open or prayed for God's wisdom and peace, but instead I chewed at my fingernails, mumbled under my breath, thought negative thoughts and did things that made my Lord none-too-proud. Rarely, when facing these situations did I stop and pray for peace, mercy or understanding. I just don't get it. I do that at home. Why didn't I there?
Then it hit me. I live in a bubble. I live safe and secure in my own little world. I allow very little negativity in. When it does sneak in, I push it out and wall myself in. I surround myself with believers, people who are uplifting and put myself only in situations that I am prepared to handle. I live in a self-created, virtually impenetrable bubble. I am still sitting here in shock. How did this happen? Why did I do this?
I sit on Sunday mornings and tell the 11th graders in my Sunday school class to live what they know. I sit there and tell them that if they really believe, then others around them will see it and it will be evident. I tell them to go out and take with them all that they know and not to fall victim to the world's deceit.
I am a hypocrite. When faced with the most challenging people in my life I chose to shut down. I did not seek out my Savior. Instead, I dealt with it on my own, I put myself and my own abilities above what I knew to be true. Instead of making a difference or being a light, my bulb burnt out and I chose to leave it that way. I just don't get it. That's not me. Or is it? I still have a lot of discovery to do in this area. I have a lot to pray over, a lot to repent about and a lot of allowing of God to search my heart.
But for now, I ask each of you to forgive me. Forgive me for being self-righteous and arrogant. Forgive me for pretending to know how to deal with the world when I don't have a clue. Forgive me for closing myself into a bubble and squelching out anything that is of conflict. Forgive me for being your Sunday school teacher and wondering why it was so hard for you to "get it" when I didn't even "get it" myself. Clearly, I have so much to learn. I pray for you all to bear with me as the Lord teaches, guides and reprimands me in all that I have to learn.
Anyway, the point in my confessing is that I feel the need to tell you all that I struggled a lot on vacation. You see, being in my hometown is bittersweet for me. If you read this you will know that my time in high school wasn't great. Being "home" always comes with a level of anxiety for me. Usually, I can tolerate it. However, this year more family drama added to the mix made it just a bit more stressful. Now pour in some hurt and pain from issues with another family member and you have nothing short of a recipe for self-pity pie.
Here at home, in my own environment, snuggly safe in my own world, these things do not pose any threats. I can turn to trusted friends who are also believers, blogs of other believers and even prayer to help me through life's daily struggles. On vacation, those first two were not readily available. And I chose NOT to use the third. Why am I telling you all of this? Why am I exposing myself? Because I feel that you deserve the truth? Not really.
I am blogging this because I feel that saying it outloud, with other people watching will remind me of the real place that I should go to find comfort...Him.
So, I'm telling you that numerous times on our vacation I should have cracked my Bible open or prayed for God's wisdom and peace, but instead I chewed at my fingernails, mumbled under my breath, thought negative thoughts and did things that made my Lord none-too-proud. Rarely, when facing these situations did I stop and pray for peace, mercy or understanding. I just don't get it. I do that at home. Why didn't I there?
Then it hit me. I live in a bubble. I live safe and secure in my own little world. I allow very little negativity in. When it does sneak in, I push it out and wall myself in. I surround myself with believers, people who are uplifting and put myself only in situations that I am prepared to handle. I live in a self-created, virtually impenetrable bubble. I am still sitting here in shock. How did this happen? Why did I do this?
I sit on Sunday mornings and tell the 11th graders in my Sunday school class to live what they know. I sit there and tell them that if they really believe, then others around them will see it and it will be evident. I tell them to go out and take with them all that they know and not to fall victim to the world's deceit.
I am a hypocrite. When faced with the most challenging people in my life I chose to shut down. I did not seek out my Savior. Instead, I dealt with it on my own, I put myself and my own abilities above what I knew to be true. Instead of making a difference or being a light, my bulb burnt out and I chose to leave it that way. I just don't get it. That's not me. Or is it? I still have a lot of discovery to do in this area. I have a lot to pray over, a lot to repent about and a lot of allowing of God to search my heart.
But for now, I ask each of you to forgive me. Forgive me for being self-righteous and arrogant. Forgive me for pretending to know how to deal with the world when I don't have a clue. Forgive me for closing myself into a bubble and squelching out anything that is of conflict. Forgive me for being your Sunday school teacher and wondering why it was so hard for you to "get it" when I didn't even "get it" myself. Clearly, I have so much to learn. I pray for you all to bear with me as the Lord teaches, guides and reprimands me in all that I have to learn.