On Monday, we go back to court for Baby Girl. At that time, it is certain that we will get to see her birth mother. And although that makes me incredibly nervous, I also feel some compassion for this woman. Let me elaborate.
Sitting in that court room on the Thursday of Baby Girl's Disposition was no easy task. Hearing all the things that she went through while still in the womb was heartbreaking and, quite frankly it made me very angry at the woman who would do this to MY baby.
However, over the course of the last week or two, my heart has begun to soften. I know that Baby Girl's birth mother is bound by sin. I know that she suffers from addiction. I remember my life before I knew my Lord deeply and intimately and it wasn't pretty.
I wondered if birth mom thought about her precious baby and wondered how she was doing. I had my doubts because she's only seen her twice in the 3 months of her life.
Then, earlier this week I got an email from Baby Girl's social worker saying that she'd received a letter from birth mother requesting a picture. I knew that we'd be in court in just 1 week, so I told the social worker I'd bring it then.
As my heart and mind has mulled over birth mom's request, I've thought about what it might be like to be in her shoes. I've prayed over my actions regarding his request and felt the Holy Spirit move me to tears, aching for this mother and the hearbreak she must be feeling.
So last night, as everyone in my house slept, I sat in the darkness looking at my Baby Girl and I typed the following letter to her mother:
Dear Ms. [Smith],
I'm sitting here, watching [Baby Girl] sleep, listening to the sounds of her breathing, knowing that if I were in your shoes, I'd want to know how my baby is doing. So, first let me tell you that the purpose of this letter is not to make you feel bad, or judged, but simply a letter from a foster mom to a birth mom about how her baby is doing and what she's been up to over the last 3 months.
[Baby Girl] is such a precious little girl. When I picked her up from the hospital on October 13, 2008 I had no idea how much I would grow to love your precious daughter. She is beautiful in every way, as I'm sure you would agree.
[Baby Girl] still sleeps a lot, waking up about every 3 or so hours (during the day) to eat and for "conversations" where she flashes a heart melting smile. She smiles with her whole face, opening her mouth wide and sometimes even giggling. She loves being talked to, sung to, cooed at and, mostly just held. She loves to sleep swaddled all up, with a pacifier securely in her mouth.
She's a good sleeper, already sleeping through the night. She takes her last bottle somewhere between 8 and 9pm and then sleeps until 5am or so.
She has a unique personality and from the very beginning has been more responsive and cooed more than any baby I've ever seen. Her beautiful eyes scan your face, really checking out the person who is holding her. She is very alert (when she's awake) and even now, as she is sleeping, she makes soft noises that are so sweet. Even the doctor said at her newborn visit that she was an alert baby. She even smiled at the doctor at just 5 days old! We were all so amazed!
She is growing pretty well, and at her 2 month check up she weighed 9 pounds 11 ounces. She had gained 1 whole pound since her last weight check just 2 weeks before!
The top of her head still smells just like a new baby and she still has a lot of that same soft hair that she did when she was born. She lost her belly button stump just a week after she was born, which also surprised us.
She can be a little particular with her likes and dislikes. She DOES NOT like one bit to be cold, and she will let you know by crying pretty loud. However, once she is warm again, she calms down quickly. She doesn't like having a dirty diaper, but she also dislikes having her diaper changed. I guess one day she'll realize that she can't have it both ways!
She has a little bit of eczema on both cheeks that we are treating with cortisone cream. It is working really well and the eczema patches are getting better every day. She also has reflux which caused her to spit up formula out of her nose. The reflux also made her cough, but the doctor prescribed some prevacid, which she takes at night before bed and it is helping quite a bit. I have noticed that she isn't coughing hardly at all anymore and the spitting up has gotten a lot better.
[Baby Girl] also has some issues with constipation. However, 1 ounce of prune juice in 1 bottle a day takes care of that problem really quickly. Man, can that girl poop when she gets going!
[Baby Girl] is a very easy going baby. She is content to sit and watch our other children play. She gets lots of hugs and kisses from our 2 year old daughter, 2 year old son and 4 year old daughter. She loves to be in the swing, watching and "talking" to the other kids.
When she first came home from the hospital she wanted to sleep with the light on and sitting propped up. She would have it no other way!
She is precious and beautiful and perfect.
I wanted to share with you about [Baby Girl] because I know that I would want to know these things about my baby. I also want to share with you WHY we chose to become foster parents. Our goal was NOT to steal other people's babies, or even to feel good about ourselves.
We followed through with becoming foster parents because of our relationship with our Savior, Jesus Christ. We felt, very strongly, that He was calling us to become foster parents. As we prayed, read our Bible and talked with other people, God confirmed for us that this was something we were suppose to do.
I haven't always been a Christian, though. I had some very hard times in my life during high school and I have made (and continue to make) a lot of mistakes. In fact, it wasn't until I was pregnant with our oldest daughter in 2003 that I really understood what it meant to know God. When I realized that I had a baby coming, I knew that I couldn't be the person that I wanted to be all by myself. I needed help. I couldn't find that help from any person here on this earth. I felt like something was missing, and that something was God. Through pure mercy, God allowed me to be saved through the life, death and conquering of that death by His Son, Jesus Christ. Being "saved" doesn't make me perfect, but it does make me forgiven and redeemed from an eternity separated from a God who whole heartedly loves me. It's more than going to church on Sundays or being "good" its about trying my best to live the life I know God wants me to live and being able to break free from the things that continue to pull me down. I have had struggles and I still do, but God is the one that helps me through.
I am not claiming to know your situation or your view on religion or God. However, it is my prayer that if you do not know who Jesus is, that you will seek Him with your whole heart. I know that a life with Jesus can bring you and [Baby Girl] back together again. Being a Christian doesn't mean that you will never have problems, but that when problems come, you can find strength in God and a desire to push through them.
Basically, I just wanted you to know that there is a God who LOVES you, more than you could ever imagine. He is REAL and powerful and He desperately wants you to know Him. It is because of His love and His work in my life that I am able to love myself and other people. It is because of Him, that when I look at your precious, sweet and perfect [Baby Girl] that I am able to love her as much as I love my own birth children. I can promise you that it is not anything special within me, but the power of Jesus Christ who has captured my heart.
I am praying for you and [Baby Girl] and that you will know that she is being cared for and loved, until you are able to see her again.
Many blessings,
Jessica
[Baby Girl's] Foster Mom
Can I just tell you that it was the hardest letter I've ever written? You see, I know the power of having the Savior in your life. I know that this could change everything. I know that He can redeem her from the life that she is living. I know that this could mean letting go of Baby Girl one day.
Therefore, I'm begging for your prayers. Please pray, along with me, that she receives this letter for what it is, my heart reaching out to hers. Pray that the spirit with which I wrote this letter is pure, good, honest and Christ filled.
You see, I'm not sure about my intentions. Yes, I desperately want her to know the love of the Savior. However, another part of me hopes that if I show her Christ's love, then she will see my heart and know that Baby Girl is in the best place, therefore relinquishing her rights immediately. I know it twisted.
Please believe me, that above all else I desire for Baby Girl's mother to live life fully surrendered to the Lord. But, a small part of me wants her to do that AND allow me to be Baby Girl's mother.
So as Monday approaches and I hand this woman a chunk of my heart, please beg the Lord to prepare her. Pray that He begins to draw her to Him, that she feels the ache in her heart that only Jesus can fill and that I water a seed that has already been planted.
I know it's not by accident that I feel this way. Today, as I drove the kids home from gymnastics, I heard the DJ read the following scripture:
I love it when God is so clear, don't you? It's all about mercy.
Thanks for the prayers.
Sitting in that court room on the Thursday of Baby Girl's Disposition was no easy task. Hearing all the things that she went through while still in the womb was heartbreaking and, quite frankly it made me very angry at the woman who would do this to MY baby.
However, over the course of the last week or two, my heart has begun to soften. I know that Baby Girl's birth mother is bound by sin. I know that she suffers from addiction. I remember my life before I knew my Lord deeply and intimately and it wasn't pretty.
I wondered if birth mom thought about her precious baby and wondered how she was doing. I had my doubts because she's only seen her twice in the 3 months of her life.
Then, earlier this week I got an email from Baby Girl's social worker saying that she'd received a letter from birth mother requesting a picture. I knew that we'd be in court in just 1 week, so I told the social worker I'd bring it then.
As my heart and mind has mulled over birth mom's request, I've thought about what it might be like to be in her shoes. I've prayed over my actions regarding his request and felt the Holy Spirit move me to tears, aching for this mother and the hearbreak she must be feeling.
So last night, as everyone in my house slept, I sat in the darkness looking at my Baby Girl and I typed the following letter to her mother:
Dear Ms. [Smith],
I'm sitting here, watching [Baby Girl] sleep, listening to the sounds of her breathing, knowing that if I were in your shoes, I'd want to know how my baby is doing. So, first let me tell you that the purpose of this letter is not to make you feel bad, or judged, but simply a letter from a foster mom to a birth mom about how her baby is doing and what she's been up to over the last 3 months.
[Baby Girl] is such a precious little girl. When I picked her up from the hospital on October 13, 2008 I had no idea how much I would grow to love your precious daughter. She is beautiful in every way, as I'm sure you would agree.
[Baby Girl] still sleeps a lot, waking up about every 3 or so hours (during the day) to eat and for "conversations" where she flashes a heart melting smile. She smiles with her whole face, opening her mouth wide and sometimes even giggling. She loves being talked to, sung to, cooed at and, mostly just held. She loves to sleep swaddled all up, with a pacifier securely in her mouth.
She's a good sleeper, already sleeping through the night. She takes her last bottle somewhere between 8 and 9pm and then sleeps until 5am or so.
She has a unique personality and from the very beginning has been more responsive and cooed more than any baby I've ever seen. Her beautiful eyes scan your face, really checking out the person who is holding her. She is very alert (when she's awake) and even now, as she is sleeping, she makes soft noises that are so sweet. Even the doctor said at her newborn visit that she was an alert baby. She even smiled at the doctor at just 5 days old! We were all so amazed!
She is growing pretty well, and at her 2 month check up she weighed 9 pounds 11 ounces. She had gained 1 whole pound since her last weight check just 2 weeks before!
The top of her head still smells just like a new baby and she still has a lot of that same soft hair that she did when she was born. She lost her belly button stump just a week after she was born, which also surprised us.
She can be a little particular with her likes and dislikes. She DOES NOT like one bit to be cold, and she will let you know by crying pretty loud. However, once she is warm again, she calms down quickly. She doesn't like having a dirty diaper, but she also dislikes having her diaper changed. I guess one day she'll realize that she can't have it both ways!
She has a little bit of eczema on both cheeks that we are treating with cortisone cream. It is working really well and the eczema patches are getting better every day. She also has reflux which caused her to spit up formula out of her nose. The reflux also made her cough, but the doctor prescribed some prevacid, which she takes at night before bed and it is helping quite a bit. I have noticed that she isn't coughing hardly at all anymore and the spitting up has gotten a lot better.
[Baby Girl] also has some issues with constipation. However, 1 ounce of prune juice in 1 bottle a day takes care of that problem really quickly. Man, can that girl poop when she gets going!
[Baby Girl] is a very easy going baby. She is content to sit and watch our other children play. She gets lots of hugs and kisses from our 2 year old daughter, 2 year old son and 4 year old daughter. She loves to be in the swing, watching and "talking" to the other kids.
When she first came home from the hospital she wanted to sleep with the light on and sitting propped up. She would have it no other way!
She is precious and beautiful and perfect.
I wanted to share with you about [Baby Girl] because I know that I would want to know these things about my baby. I also want to share with you WHY we chose to become foster parents. Our goal was NOT to steal other people's babies, or even to feel good about ourselves.
We followed through with becoming foster parents because of our relationship with our Savior, Jesus Christ. We felt, very strongly, that He was calling us to become foster parents. As we prayed, read our Bible and talked with other people, God confirmed for us that this was something we were suppose to do.
I haven't always been a Christian, though. I had some very hard times in my life during high school and I have made (and continue to make) a lot of mistakes. In fact, it wasn't until I was pregnant with our oldest daughter in 2003 that I really understood what it meant to know God. When I realized that I had a baby coming, I knew that I couldn't be the person that I wanted to be all by myself. I needed help. I couldn't find that help from any person here on this earth. I felt like something was missing, and that something was God. Through pure mercy, God allowed me to be saved through the life, death and conquering of that death by His Son, Jesus Christ. Being "saved" doesn't make me perfect, but it does make me forgiven and redeemed from an eternity separated from a God who whole heartedly loves me. It's more than going to church on Sundays or being "good" its about trying my best to live the life I know God wants me to live and being able to break free from the things that continue to pull me down. I have had struggles and I still do, but God is the one that helps me through.
I am not claiming to know your situation or your view on religion or God. However, it is my prayer that if you do not know who Jesus is, that you will seek Him with your whole heart. I know that a life with Jesus can bring you and [Baby Girl] back together again. Being a Christian doesn't mean that you will never have problems, but that when problems come, you can find strength in God and a desire to push through them.
Basically, I just wanted you to know that there is a God who LOVES you, more than you could ever imagine. He is REAL and powerful and He desperately wants you to know Him. It is because of His love and His work in my life that I am able to love myself and other people. It is because of Him, that when I look at your precious, sweet and perfect [Baby Girl] that I am able to love her as much as I love my own birth children. I can promise you that it is not anything special within me, but the power of Jesus Christ who has captured my heart.
I am praying for you and [Baby Girl] and that you will know that she is being cared for and loved, until you are able to see her again.
Many blessings,
Jessica
[Baby Girl's] Foster Mom
Can I just tell you that it was the hardest letter I've ever written? You see, I know the power of having the Savior in your life. I know that this could change everything. I know that He can redeem her from the life that she is living. I know that this could mean letting go of Baby Girl one day.
Therefore, I'm begging for your prayers. Please pray, along with me, that she receives this letter for what it is, my heart reaching out to hers. Pray that the spirit with which I wrote this letter is pure, good, honest and Christ filled.
You see, I'm not sure about my intentions. Yes, I desperately want her to know the love of the Savior. However, another part of me hopes that if I show her Christ's love, then she will see my heart and know that Baby Girl is in the best place, therefore relinquishing her rights immediately. I know it twisted.
Please believe me, that above all else I desire for Baby Girl's mother to live life fully surrendered to the Lord. But, a small part of me wants her to do that AND allow me to be Baby Girl's mother.
So as Monday approaches and I hand this woman a chunk of my heart, please beg the Lord to prepare her. Pray that He begins to draw her to Him, that she feels the ache in her heart that only Jesus can fill and that I water a seed that has already been planted.
I know it's not by accident that I feel this way. Today, as I drove the kids home from gymnastics, I heard the DJ read the following scripture:
So whatever you say or whatever you do, remember that you will be judged by the law that sets you free. There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others. But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when he judges you.
James 2:12-13
James 2:12-13
I love it when God is so clear, don't you? It's all about mercy.
Thanks for the prayers.