Sorry I've been so slack in posting over the last week or two.
Honestly?
I've been in a funk. I don't know if it is situational or the onset of something much bigger. Depression runs in my family and I am struggling to figure out if that's what I'm feeling or if it is just lack of sunshine, focus and time in The Word.
Do not misunderstand what I am about to write. I LOVE my life. I LOVE my family. I LOVE being the mother to these 5 children. Part of me even hesitates to tell you all how I feel, because there are some out there who will be eager to say "I told you so!" But, I figure that this is part of the process of mothering, it's part of the journey. I'm sure most women feel this way at some point as a mother, they are just too afraid of being ostracized to express it. But I've never been one to shy away from raw emotion, so here goes:
Somedays, I wonder what it would be like to only have 1 (or 2) kids. I wonder what the freedom is like. I wonder if I can remember not taking for granted being able to go to Wal-mart WHENEVER. I wonder if I can remember what it's like to doat over every thing your ONE child does.
Don't get me wrong, I know kids are a lot of work, no matter how many you have. But JUST one. Ahhhhhhh, somedays I wonder.
Somedays, I wonder what it would be like to have a cleaner house. I wonder what it must be like to be that woman who CARES about the details and the cleanliness of her home. To have THAT house, that everyone comments on and says, "How does she do it?" I wonder what it would take to make me care that much about my house. Somedays, I wonder.
Somedays, I wonder what it would be like to still have a group of girlfriends who call you for no reason, just to chat. Girlfriends who still invite themselves over. Girlfriends to call you because they just want to know how your day is going. Girlfriends that plan for girls' lunch or girls' night out. Girls who want to be around ME, not just because they know I'll have a response to most of their parenting questions. Girls who just want to be around me because I'm actually, you know, fun.
It's not that I don't have friends, I DO (In fact, I'm honored to bestow that title upon many of you who read this blog). But I'm finding that the ones that I thought were deep and meaningful are nothing more than casual. I'm finding that the women who understand the ins and outs of my heart are not always the ones that I expected. I wonder why the people I hold closest are not the ones that I have known the longest. Somedays, I wonder.
Somedays, I wonder what it will be like when my kids are grown and living their own lives. I look 10 (and sometimes 20) years down the road and I wonder if I'll still have babies in my home, if my teenage kids will want their momma around, if my life will resemble "ME" at all. Somedays, I wonder.
Somedays, I wonder what it would be like to not have to be a "Conflict Manager." To have a perfect day from heaven, where everyone apologizes, uses an appropriate voice level and tone, takes a nap without a fight, shares, tolerates and shows compassion, without threat from Mom and the spanker. Somedays, I wonder.
Somedays, I wonder if I will ever look back at my life and be completely okay with how it turned out. I wonder if I will be okay with looking at it and saying, "God, it hurt, but I surrendered it to you. I gave you all that I could. I am bruised, scarred, tear-stained and broken. But I did it Lord, I did it." Somedays, I wonder.
Honestly?
I've been in a funk. I don't know if it is situational or the onset of something much bigger. Depression runs in my family and I am struggling to figure out if that's what I'm feeling or if it is just lack of sunshine, focus and time in The Word.
Do not misunderstand what I am about to write. I LOVE my life. I LOVE my family. I LOVE being the mother to these 5 children. Part of me even hesitates to tell you all how I feel, because there are some out there who will be eager to say "I told you so!" But, I figure that this is part of the process of mothering, it's part of the journey. I'm sure most women feel this way at some point as a mother, they are just too afraid of being ostracized to express it. But I've never been one to shy away from raw emotion, so here goes:
Somedays, I wonder what it would be like to only have 1 (or 2) kids. I wonder what the freedom is like. I wonder if I can remember not taking for granted being able to go to Wal-mart WHENEVER. I wonder if I can remember what it's like to doat over every thing your ONE child does.
Don't get me wrong, I know kids are a lot of work, no matter how many you have. But JUST one. Ahhhhhhh, somedays I wonder.
Somedays, I wonder what it would be like to have a cleaner house. I wonder what it must be like to be that woman who CARES about the details and the cleanliness of her home. To have THAT house, that everyone comments on and says, "How does she do it?" I wonder what it would take to make me care that much about my house. Somedays, I wonder.
Somedays, I wonder what it would be like to still have a group of girlfriends who call you for no reason, just to chat. Girlfriends who still invite themselves over. Girlfriends to call you because they just want to know how your day is going. Girlfriends that plan for girls' lunch or girls' night out. Girls who want to be around ME, not just because they know I'll have a response to most of their parenting questions. Girls who just want to be around me because I'm actually, you know, fun.
It's not that I don't have friends, I DO (In fact, I'm honored to bestow that title upon many of you who read this blog). But I'm finding that the ones that I thought were deep and meaningful are nothing more than casual. I'm finding that the women who understand the ins and outs of my heart are not always the ones that I expected. I wonder why the people I hold closest are not the ones that I have known the longest. Somedays, I wonder.
Somedays, I wonder what it will be like when my kids are grown and living their own lives. I look 10 (and sometimes 20) years down the road and I wonder if I'll still have babies in my home, if my teenage kids will want their momma around, if my life will resemble "ME" at all. Somedays, I wonder.
Somedays, I wonder what it would be like to not have to be a "Conflict Manager." To have a perfect day from heaven, where everyone apologizes, uses an appropriate voice level and tone, takes a nap without a fight, shares, tolerates and shows compassion, without threat from Mom and the spanker. Somedays, I wonder.
Somedays, I wonder if I will ever look back at my life and be completely okay with how it turned out. I wonder if I will be okay with looking at it and saying, "God, it hurt, but I surrendered it to you. I gave you all that I could. I am bruised, scarred, tear-stained and broken. But I did it Lord, I did it." Somedays, I wonder.