Can I just confess you to you that God is doing major work on my heart right now?
Which, by the way, is NOT where I prefer Him working right now. I'd much rather He be working on my cervix. But, He doesn't seem to want to change that right now, so I guess my heart will have to do.
As I write this, my husband is in Atlanta waiting to board an airplane that will bring him home from a long weekend away at his grandfather's funeral. By the time you read this, he will have been home for a mere 8ish or so hours and will be back at work.
I just can't tell you how ready I am to see my husband.
(Can I just take a second or three and tell all of you single parents out there that I think you are AMAZING? Seriously? No matter the reason you are currently single (this includes you military spouses) my hat is OFF to you. I have no idea how you do life day in and day out knowing you are the sole provider for your family's needs. I commend you and I can promise you that I will spend MUCH more time in prayer for you. This weekend, I was humbled by what God revealed to me about your lives.)
But, when my husband left I wasn't so thankful. Actually, I was pretty pissed if you want to know the truth. I mean, here I am 57 months pregnant with our 6th child. The other five kids are a mere 5.5 years old and younger and one of our darling kids is pushing me to my limits. Why in the world would this man think it would be a good idea to leave me here to do life for 3 whole days - ALONE?
(Nevermind that I encouraged him to go. Nevermind that at all.)
Then, I realize that he left me a sink full of dirty dishes. AND a trashcan that is overflowing. AND a refrigerator full of uncooked food.
I mean, when I left him and went out of town for a week at least I tried to leave our house in some sort of condition where it would be easier on him. I left him frozen meals and even prepared a posse of men to come a few times after the kids' bedtimes to give him a mental reprieve.
But OH NO. He just left.
So yeah, I was pretty upset about it. And, the night before he left I managed have had an emotional breakdown over everything that is going on in our life. I might have cried because he hurt my oversensitive feelings. And, I might have been ticked off the next morning because he didn't take my breakdown seriously and instead he drifted off to sleep while I continued to cry.
(Have I mentioned that my marriage is perfect? No? Oh wait, that's because it's NOT. Close, but no cigar. I mean, mostly because of me.)
I don't say all of this to try to make my husband look bad. Because, truly, I was being selfish, I see that now. But, as I texted my BFF Amanda in an effort to "ask for prayer" (which was really just me disguising my desire to unleash on her about my husband and gossip) I realized something.
It's all about my perspective. So, I prayed a prayer I seem to be praying a lot lately.
"Father, help me to see what YOU desire me to see in this situation. It seems crazy and chaotic to me but this situation is not surprising you. So show me God, show me."
And you know what? He did. That afternoon I read this post by Katie. Actually, I read it in bits and pieces because I prefer to be hit across the face with tiny, little God slaps rather than one ginormous sized God slap.
Over the course of the weekend, He showed me that if I HAD to make it with 5 (or 6) kids all by myself, I could. He gently reminded me that somewhere in Haiti (or another disaster ridden nation), there is a Mother begging for just 1 more day with her babies.
He showed me just how much my husband does for me that I never really notice. Small things that I take for granted. (I realized that until this weekend that I don't think I've taken out the trash in probably 4 months. And, I never feed the dog.)
Mostly though, God made it abundantly clear how incredibly selfish I am. Selfish with my time and the selfishness of my heart's desires.
Why did I ever believe that being a follower of Jesus would be easy? Why did I think that looking less like the world and more like a crazy Jesus freak would be fun?
Why did I ever believe that because I am set apart within the light of God's truth that I would no longer have difficulties or struggles or even have to make sacrifices that are close to my heart, intimate with my spirit even? I so desperately want to live a life sold out to God but in turn I expected it to be easy and streamline and, well, uneventful.
Where is that Biblical? Show me where it says in God's word that giving up your own life for one immersed in His is easy?
Blessed? Yes, incredibly so. Filled with joy? Most of the time. Burden free? Hardly so.
So, sometime on Saturday afternoon I decided to put myself up by my bootstraps (which it totally figurative because I can promise you that my cankles will NOT be fitting into boots anytime soon). I decided that I can choose to loathe the entire weekend, make my kids miserable, be miserable myself and speak harshly to my husband each time we talk.
Or...
I can do life alone (as alone as you get with 5 kids) with joy. I can be supportive of my husbands need to be there for his father and family. I can joyfully look and see what God is choosing to show me during these few days alone.
And I can pray I won't go into labor while my husband is 3 layovers and 8 hours worth of plane travel away.
I was exhausted every night and I certainly didn't win any awards for Mother of the Year. But I did it. I made it through the weekend. I chose to change my attitude. And, honestly, I had fun with my kids.
My house is a total disaster and I don't know that I ever want to be pregnant and alone with 5 kids again, but we made it.
And today while my husband is back at work and life goes back to "normal" for us (whatever that is) I will choose to face our continued chaotic life looking for what God wants me to see. And how I should act in response.
Considering the alternative I'd say that's really my only option.
Which, by the way, is NOT where I prefer Him working right now. I'd much rather He be working on my cervix. But, He doesn't seem to want to change that right now, so I guess my heart will have to do.
As I write this, my husband is in Atlanta waiting to board an airplane that will bring him home from a long weekend away at his grandfather's funeral. By the time you read this, he will have been home for a mere 8ish or so hours and will be back at work.
I just can't tell you how ready I am to see my husband.
(Can I just take a second or three and tell all of you single parents out there that I think you are AMAZING? Seriously? No matter the reason you are currently single (this includes you military spouses) my hat is OFF to you. I have no idea how you do life day in and day out knowing you are the sole provider for your family's needs. I commend you and I can promise you that I will spend MUCH more time in prayer for you. This weekend, I was humbled by what God revealed to me about your lives.)
But, when my husband left I wasn't so thankful. Actually, I was pretty pissed if you want to know the truth. I mean, here I am 57 months pregnant with our 6th child. The other five kids are a mere 5.5 years old and younger and one of our darling kids is pushing me to my limits. Why in the world would this man think it would be a good idea to leave me here to do life for 3 whole days - ALONE?
(Nevermind that I encouraged him to go. Nevermind that at all.)
Then, I realize that he left me a sink full of dirty dishes. AND a trashcan that is overflowing. AND a refrigerator full of uncooked food.
I mean, when I left him and went out of town for a week at least I tried to leave our house in some sort of condition where it would be easier on him. I left him frozen meals and even prepared a posse of men to come a few times after the kids' bedtimes to give him a mental reprieve.
But OH NO. He just left.
So yeah, I was pretty upset about it. And, the night before he left I managed have had an emotional breakdown over everything that is going on in our life. I might have cried because he hurt my oversensitive feelings. And, I might have been ticked off the next morning because he didn't take my breakdown seriously and instead he drifted off to sleep while I continued to cry.
(Have I mentioned that my marriage is perfect? No? Oh wait, that's because it's NOT. Close, but no cigar. I mean, mostly because of me.)
I don't say all of this to try to make my husband look bad. Because, truly, I was being selfish, I see that now. But, as I texted my BFF Amanda in an effort to "ask for prayer" (which was really just me disguising my desire to unleash on her about my husband and gossip) I realized something.
It's all about my perspective. So, I prayed a prayer I seem to be praying a lot lately.
"Father, help me to see what YOU desire me to see in this situation. It seems crazy and chaotic to me but this situation is not surprising you. So show me God, show me."
And you know what? He did. That afternoon I read this post by Katie. Actually, I read it in bits and pieces because I prefer to be hit across the face with tiny, little God slaps rather than one ginormous sized God slap.
Over the course of the weekend, He showed me that if I HAD to make it with 5 (or 6) kids all by myself, I could. He gently reminded me that somewhere in Haiti (or another disaster ridden nation), there is a Mother begging for just 1 more day with her babies.
He showed me just how much my husband does for me that I never really notice. Small things that I take for granted. (I realized that until this weekend that I don't think I've taken out the trash in probably 4 months. And, I never feed the dog.)
Mostly though, God made it abundantly clear how incredibly selfish I am. Selfish with my time and the selfishness of my heart's desires.
Why did I ever believe that being a follower of Jesus would be easy? Why did I think that looking less like the world and more like a crazy Jesus freak would be fun?
Why did I ever believe that because I am set apart within the light of God's truth that I would no longer have difficulties or struggles or even have to make sacrifices that are close to my heart, intimate with my spirit even? I so desperately want to live a life sold out to God but in turn I expected it to be easy and streamline and, well, uneventful.
Where is that Biblical? Show me where it says in God's word that giving up your own life for one immersed in His is easy?
Blessed? Yes, incredibly so. Filled with joy? Most of the time. Burden free? Hardly so.
So, sometime on Saturday afternoon I decided to put myself up by my bootstraps (which it totally figurative because I can promise you that my cankles will NOT be fitting into boots anytime soon). I decided that I can choose to loathe the entire weekend, make my kids miserable, be miserable myself and speak harshly to my husband each time we talk.
Or...
I can do life alone (as alone as you get with 5 kids) with joy. I can be supportive of my husbands need to be there for his father and family. I can joyfully look and see what God is choosing to show me during these few days alone.
And I can pray I won't go into labor while my husband is 3 layovers and 8 hours worth of plane travel away.
I was exhausted every night and I certainly didn't win any awards for Mother of the Year. But I did it. I made it through the weekend. I chose to change my attitude. And, honestly, I had fun with my kids.
My house is a total disaster and I don't know that I ever want to be pregnant and alone with 5 kids again, but we made it.
And today while my husband is back at work and life goes back to "normal" for us (whatever that is) I will choose to face our continued chaotic life looking for what God wants me to see. And how I should act in response.
Considering the alternative I'd say that's really my only option.