So, I know I've been holding out on telling you all about how much God has blessed us lately. And, truthbetold, I've been holding out on you guys for a long time now. God has been showing Luke and I so much for such a long time and I've been pretty tight lipped about it all.
My reason?
Fear.
Fear that I will say something and then look like a fool when it doesn't happen or come to pass. Fear that maybe I don't know God at all like I think I do. Fear of the realization that what He has done for us is truly just a coincidence and that maybe, just maybe, this whole God thing isn't real at all.
I mean, what kind of real Christian walks around saying,
"Well, I think I've heard from God but, truthfully, I'm just not sure it's Him. And sometimes, I wonder if He really is who He says He is or if He even really exists."
I mean, after all, how can I stand here and tell you all day after day after day that Jesus is the only way, His grace covers all your sin and then question the whole idea myself?
Hypocritical much? I'd say so.
So, for the last 10 or so months (basically since I've found out that Baby #6 was growing inside of me) I've been on a journey of questioning God and His word and the authenticity of it all. It wasn't until the last couple of months that I've realized that through the questioning and doubting I've found out more about God and my relationship with Him than ever before.
But it hasn't come without it's fair share of hurt and pain. It hasn't come without some seriously dark days. It hasn't come easy. There have been days where I've known that God was desiring me to come to Him with my questions and yet I've turned the other direction and walked away, shutting out anything and everything about Him.
There have been deep valleys of intense pain because I thought that I knew myself and my God and yet in the midst of all of my knowledge, things didn't seem as they should. Where was my God when I was hurting and confused? Why was He allowing me to feel such pain and distance?
Looking back I can see that even during the darkest of my days, even when I questioned Him unlike ever before, He was there.
The thing about darkness is that it is consuming. Back when I was in college, my family took a trip to Niagara Falls for the 4th of July. We stayed on the Canadian side of the falls and enjoyed celebrating both the Canadian Independence as well as the American one. As part of our vacation, my parents and I decided to go into a haunted house.
Don't ask me why there was a random haunted house at Niagara Falls Canada. I don't know.
Anyway, here is how the haunted house worked: You went into a pitch black room, creepy and scary things popped out at you and all the while you were suppose to be searching for a small, red light. This small, red light was your clue as to where the entrance to the next room was hidden. If you got too scared all you had to do was yell, "SCREAMERS!" and they would rescue you and your time in the house would be over.
At first, the haunted house was fun, exhilarating even. My Mom, my Dad and I had many laughs as one of us would scream and shriek from a sudden lurching of a skeleton or mummy. We ventured from room to room following the little, red light. But then we got into one room. We stood there, waiting to be frightened by something creepy but all the room seemed to hold was darkness. We couldn't even find the little, red light.
Minutes passed and still no red light and no scary sights, noises or sounds. We all began to panic. More minutes passed and we still found ourselves standing in darkness, unable to locate this light that had become so instrumental in our journey through the haunted house. Panic set in. Irrationally, my Mom whispered to us, "Y'all, we are in a foreign country in a haunted house. No one knows where we are. They could do anything to us and no one would ever know."
In a moment of complete confusion and fear we all simultaneously yelled, "SCREAMERS!!!"
The lights came on and all we saw was an empty room, painted black. Standing no more than 4 feet from us was a worker with a headset who pushed open a door beside him. We stepped through the door, onto the busy, bustling Canadian street and walked away from the haunted house with our hearts still pounding within our chests.
In many ways, I feel like I've spent many of the last 10 months in that same, dark room. I've been waiting and waiting for that little, red light to come on and show me the way. At times, it has flickered in a direction that I didn't think was right, so I ignored it. Then it went pitch black. I've been lost in moments and days and weeks without any signs or direction and it's been fearful.
But then, something amazing happened. I cried out, screamed out actually. I begged God to show me something, give me some reprieve, shower me with perspective. Finally, the lights came on and I realized that I never really was lost at all. In fact, just a few short steps away was reality. A reality I've known for a long, long time.
Fear was gripping me, causing me to lose my direction. I allowed the darkness to take over and instead of turning to the One that already knew the outcome I settled for wallowing in the darkness and succumbing to my irrational fears.
As my eyes have adjusted from being in darkness and as my heart has slowly stopped pounding in my chest, I've realized that the direction I was seeking was right in front of me all along. He was there, standing nearby always knowing the way.
As Luke and I take our family to the next step of God's desires for our life I can look back and see that these last months were perfectly laid out before us. Did we know the outcome when we set out? No. Had we known it all beforehand would it have made things easier? Probably not. Probably harder actually.
So as I continue to unfold for you all the richness with which God has blessed us, know that it hasn't come without some serious growing pains. We are seeking to use our lives to earnestly obey God. I can't wait to let you in and show you all the ways that He has blessed us. I wish I could pour it all out in one sitting but I can't. So bear with me as our life gears up to be chaotic (if this Baby ever decides to show up outside my body). I hope you will see God as clearly as we have.
My reason?
Fear.
Fear that I will say something and then look like a fool when it doesn't happen or come to pass. Fear that maybe I don't know God at all like I think I do. Fear of the realization that what He has done for us is truly just a coincidence and that maybe, just maybe, this whole God thing isn't real at all.
I mean, what kind of real Christian walks around saying,
"Well, I think I've heard from God but, truthfully, I'm just not sure it's Him. And sometimes, I wonder if He really is who He says He is or if He even really exists."
I mean, after all, how can I stand here and tell you all day after day after day that Jesus is the only way, His grace covers all your sin and then question the whole idea myself?
Hypocritical much? I'd say so.
So, for the last 10 or so months (basically since I've found out that Baby #6 was growing inside of me) I've been on a journey of questioning God and His word and the authenticity of it all. It wasn't until the last couple of months that I've realized that through the questioning and doubting I've found out more about God and my relationship with Him than ever before.
But it hasn't come without it's fair share of hurt and pain. It hasn't come without some seriously dark days. It hasn't come easy. There have been days where I've known that God was desiring me to come to Him with my questions and yet I've turned the other direction and walked away, shutting out anything and everything about Him.
There have been deep valleys of intense pain because I thought that I knew myself and my God and yet in the midst of all of my knowledge, things didn't seem as they should. Where was my God when I was hurting and confused? Why was He allowing me to feel such pain and distance?
Looking back I can see that even during the darkest of my days, even when I questioned Him unlike ever before, He was there.
The thing about darkness is that it is consuming. Back when I was in college, my family took a trip to Niagara Falls for the 4th of July. We stayed on the Canadian side of the falls and enjoyed celebrating both the Canadian Independence as well as the American one. As part of our vacation, my parents and I decided to go into a haunted house.
Don't ask me why there was a random haunted house at Niagara Falls Canada. I don't know.
Anyway, here is how the haunted house worked: You went into a pitch black room, creepy and scary things popped out at you and all the while you were suppose to be searching for a small, red light. This small, red light was your clue as to where the entrance to the next room was hidden. If you got too scared all you had to do was yell, "SCREAMERS!" and they would rescue you and your time in the house would be over.
At first, the haunted house was fun, exhilarating even. My Mom, my Dad and I had many laughs as one of us would scream and shriek from a sudden lurching of a skeleton or mummy. We ventured from room to room following the little, red light. But then we got into one room. We stood there, waiting to be frightened by something creepy but all the room seemed to hold was darkness. We couldn't even find the little, red light.
Minutes passed and still no red light and no scary sights, noises or sounds. We all began to panic. More minutes passed and we still found ourselves standing in darkness, unable to locate this light that had become so instrumental in our journey through the haunted house. Panic set in. Irrationally, my Mom whispered to us, "Y'all, we are in a foreign country in a haunted house. No one knows where we are. They could do anything to us and no one would ever know."
In a moment of complete confusion and fear we all simultaneously yelled, "SCREAMERS!!!"
The lights came on and all we saw was an empty room, painted black. Standing no more than 4 feet from us was a worker with a headset who pushed open a door beside him. We stepped through the door, onto the busy, bustling Canadian street and walked away from the haunted house with our hearts still pounding within our chests.
In many ways, I feel like I've spent many of the last 10 months in that same, dark room. I've been waiting and waiting for that little, red light to come on and show me the way. At times, it has flickered in a direction that I didn't think was right, so I ignored it. Then it went pitch black. I've been lost in moments and days and weeks without any signs or direction and it's been fearful.
But then, something amazing happened. I cried out, screamed out actually. I begged God to show me something, give me some reprieve, shower me with perspective. Finally, the lights came on and I realized that I never really was lost at all. In fact, just a few short steps away was reality. A reality I've known for a long, long time.
Fear was gripping me, causing me to lose my direction. I allowed the darkness to take over and instead of turning to the One that already knew the outcome I settled for wallowing in the darkness and succumbing to my irrational fears.
As my eyes have adjusted from being in darkness and as my heart has slowly stopped pounding in my chest, I've realized that the direction I was seeking was right in front of me all along. He was there, standing nearby always knowing the way.
As Luke and I take our family to the next step of God's desires for our life I can look back and see that these last months were perfectly laid out before us. Did we know the outcome when we set out? No. Had we known it all beforehand would it have made things easier? Probably not. Probably harder actually.
So as I continue to unfold for you all the richness with which God has blessed us, know that it hasn't come without some serious growing pains. We are seeking to use our lives to earnestly obey God. I can't wait to let you in and show you all the ways that He has blessed us. I wish I could pour it all out in one sitting but I can't. So bear with me as our life gears up to be chaotic (if this Baby ever decides to show up outside my body). I hope you will see God as clearly as we have.