I loved reading your comments on my last post. All of them. Even if you don't believe the same things I believe, I appreciate your honesty and I'm honored that each of you care enough about me and this silly little blog to share your hearts with me. I'm humbled.
I pray that you will see my heart in the words that I'm hoping to pour out for you.
I've been working on this post since April 26th. I'd write a little then back off for a few days. Then write some more then walk away for a week. It's been an evolving post and I think I might have all of my thoughts out. Maybe.
I know I've blogged before about how I've changed since I became a professing Christian. And, I know that there are those of you who read this that knew me before I am the person I claim to be now. And, the truth is I'm pretty much the same person as before.
But I'm also completely different.
I'm still too loud.
I still talk too much.
I still say things that teeter on the edge of hysterical and slightly ill timed.
I still love to spend my time laughing, more than just about any other thing.
But, I'm also dramatically changed.
What the me of right now possesses that the the me of college and pre-kids never understood is Jesus.
Please. I'm begging you. If you'd normally stop reading a blog because of something religious being mentioned, I'm asking you not to stop just this once. Because I have some things that I'd like to say and they probably won't make a single, solitary difference to you. But maybe they will. And, I'm praying for the maybe.
There's a song by Addison Road called, "What do I know of Holy?" One of the lines says, "Then I caught a glimpse of who you might be. The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees."
I'm praying that if you've never caught a glimpse of who He might be that today you will. Not necessarily from my words or this post because, truthfully, I'm not that important. But I pray that the God of the universes calls to you and out of the corner of your heart you catch a glimpse.
Now...Who is Jesus to me? Glad you asked.
You see, I think there's a huge misdirection in the life of Christians and churches today. I think that, unfortunately, Christians and churches alike see Jesus and think of salvation as the end result.
"Change your ways, believe in Jesus and you will be SAVED!!"
Yes, that's true. Believing in Jesus will save you. It will save you from an assurance of eternity separated from God. But, I want to share with you where I think that most Christians (myself included) have missed the mark. You see, we often times see the salvation as the end of a journey. We sell ourselves short by saying we believe in Jesus, going church, changing some things and we then are saved.
I'm here to tell you that I don't really think salvation is the end. I don't think that the whole "then we are saved" is the final result.
Sure, I'm burdened for the eternity of people that will never choose Jesus. Yes, their eternity is vitally important. But where I think we Americans water down our faith is when we believe that the final destination is salvation.
You see, I'm a changed girl. I used to allow my body and mind to be used by whatever man I saw fit. I used to allow my soul to be captivated by things that were not healthy and certainly not encouraging. I used to allow my mind to linger on things that would ultimately damage my relationships and poison my heart.
And, then I met Jesus.
My love for Him wasn't overnight. I knew I needed more of Him but, truthfully, I wasn't sure what that looked like and I just knew I didn't want to be any place other than heaven when my body was left without a spirit. However, I can't tell you that I instantly fell in love and on such-and-such day my life began looking drastically different. I still struggled with lustful thoughts and allowed my heart to dwell on jealously and greed.
I wasn't changed overnight. But, I thought I should have been. I would beat myself up over my mistakes and obvious flaws because I was sure that any real Christian wouldn't struggle with such things. Afterall, calling yourself a Christian and then allowing profanity to spew all over another person is slightly, no blatantly, hypocritical. Calling yourself a Christian and then having lustful thoughts, even allowing them to engage your mind is just not permissible. Is it?
But, what I have slowly come to realize is that salvation isn't the end. It isn't the true definition of what a Christian is. Salvation doesn't mean that I've finally arrived. I've still got so, so, so much to learn. And truly the learning doesn't even BEGIN until salvation has occurred.
My point is, I am really beginning to believe that heaven is a byproduct of loving Jesus and that knowing God is the real reward.
Think about that.
Yes, heaven will be a glorious place. A place with no sin, no hurt, no hunger, no orphans, no sickness. My mind cannot grasp that no matter how hard I try. But I still think that heaven is a secondary prize of loving Jesus. Because, loving Jesus gets us to God.
God is the prize. He's the #1 benefit. He is what you get when you strip away all of the things that come along with labeling yourself as a Christian. Sure, heaven is awesome. But God? He's phenomenal.
David Platt wrote in his book Radical, "We realize that we are saved not just to be forgiven of our sins or to be assured of our eternity in heaven, but we are saved to know God."
Heaven isn't the reason that I pray over my thoughts and plead with God to control them. Desiring to know God more intimately is.
Heaven isn't the reason that I pray that my eyes will only be for my husband and that my desires will build within me so that I only crave his affection.
Desiring to know God on an intimately personal, yet totally vulnerable level is.
I didn't decide it was time for me to become a Christian because it was suddenly a little easier to control my tongue. I didn't decide it was time for me to become a Christian because I finally found a way to read my Bible more frequently. I didn't decide it was time for me to become a Christian because out of the blue my thought life became less centered on sexual immorality.
I didn't decide it was time for me to become a Christian because suddenly I am better equipped to do those things. It's actually the total opposite.
I am able to better control my tongue and my thoughts because I follow Jesus. I read my Bible more frequently because I desire to know Him more. It is possible for me to sometimes forget how I whored my body to men because as I desire to know more about Him, God is slowly erasing those memories from my mind.
I sure hope this is making sense because it's so hard to convey this with written words. What I'm trying to say is that
Reading my Bible
+
Controlling my tongue
+
Pushing away lustful thoughts
+
Having more self control
+
Speaking more kindly
DOES NOT equal Christianity.
I am not a lover of Jesus because I am finally able to do those things on my own accord. It's the total opposite.
Because I have seen how Jesus is the lover of my soul and because His Spirit (the one that rose dead men from their graves) lives within me am I now able to do the things I listed above.
Because of His Spirit's power deep inside my soul I have more self control, I speak more kindly, I'm better equipped to push out lustful thoughts when they enter my mind, I can more easily control my tongue and I desire to read my Bible, study it even, so that I can understand God's character.
My claims of being a believer in Jesus are not rooted in my desire to enter heaven. They are rooted in my desire to know God. And Jesus is my in. He's the one holding the back door open for me so that I can sneak in. In John 14:6 Jesus spoke these words, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."
Can I just tell you that before I understood Jesus, before I caught a glimpse of who He is I thought that He was an arrogant jerk? I thought that he had an awful lot of gall for claiming to be the be-all end-all. Can I also tell you that just a glimpse of Him changed my perspective?
It is my whole-hearted plea with the Lord that each person that I love and each person reading these words would also know God on an intimate level. One that changes you to your very core. My prayer is that God would reach into your soul and pull out the seeds of sin that have deeply planted themselves in the dark places that you never thought could be touched.
Trust me, I know those parts. The parts of you that you are afraid to confess to the darkness of night even when no one else is home, the doors are locked and you are certain, certain not even your faintest whisper would ever grace the ear of another human, yet you still don't utter a word because who thinks/does/says those things?
Please believe that the God of all creation who chose to send himself in human flesh so that he could meet you where you are knows your darkness and he loves you anyway. How I wish I could show you how much my heart aches for you to feel that love. It drives me to my knees.
Yes, I desire to see you "get into" heaven. But I really believe that being with you in heaven would just be icing on the proverbial cake. Seeing you flourish in the love that the Lord himself has for you would be my heart's greatest desire. Knowing that you could be missing out on experiencing the greatest love ever known makes tears spring to my eyes.
I desire it so deeply for you. And yet, my fear is that many people reading this profess to be Christians and have never felt that love. Many people reading profess that they know God apart from knowing Christ Jesus. And, that doesn't make me love them less. Nor does it make God love them less. But it does ensure that they are missing out on knowing and abiding in the love the Creator has for them.
I can testify to that because the me of 7 or 8 years ago never knew this kind of love. She never knew that even though her claims of Christianity were voiced, her heart had never truly felt the Father's love. She never knew that the sin that had grown deep roots could never be removed unless she allowed the Lord into the darkest places of her soul. She never felt complete. She never felt the desire to move outside of what was comfortable, what was normal and forsake her own desires because that meant knowing God even more deeply. And, she wouldn't have cared even if I had told her what she was missing.
Me. Now. I feel it. Yes, I struggle with holding my tongue and anger and jealousy and still, infrequently - lust. But the grip that those things held me with so tightly, will never again hold me captive. You see, knowing the God of the universe is more important to me. Knowing His plans and His desires for my life far reach my own desires. Knowing that His perfect plan will increase my faith and equip me with just what I need is enough.
So who is Jesus to me?
He is the conqueror of my darkness. He is the lover of my burdened heart. He is the One that knows me intimately and yet chooses me anyway. He's the One that chose to get his hands dirty when he reached down to pull me from the pit.
He's my glimpse of the beginning.
I pray that you will see my heart in the words that I'm hoping to pour out for you.
I've been working on this post since April 26th. I'd write a little then back off for a few days. Then write some more then walk away for a week. It's been an evolving post and I think I might have all of my thoughts out. Maybe.
I know I've blogged before about how I've changed since I became a professing Christian. And, I know that there are those of you who read this that knew me before I am the person I claim to be now. And, the truth is I'm pretty much the same person as before.
But I'm also completely different.
I'm still too loud.
I still talk too much.
I still say things that teeter on the edge of hysterical and slightly ill timed.
I still love to spend my time laughing, more than just about any other thing.
But, I'm also dramatically changed.
What the me of right now possesses that the the me of college and pre-kids never understood is Jesus.
Please. I'm begging you. If you'd normally stop reading a blog because of something religious being mentioned, I'm asking you not to stop just this once. Because I have some things that I'd like to say and they probably won't make a single, solitary difference to you. But maybe they will. And, I'm praying for the maybe.
There's a song by Addison Road called, "What do I know of Holy?" One of the lines says, "Then I caught a glimpse of who you might be. The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees."
I'm praying that if you've never caught a glimpse of who He might be that today you will. Not necessarily from my words or this post because, truthfully, I'm not that important. But I pray that the God of the universes calls to you and out of the corner of your heart you catch a glimpse.
Now...Who is Jesus to me? Glad you asked.
You see, I think there's a huge misdirection in the life of Christians and churches today. I think that, unfortunately, Christians and churches alike see Jesus and think of salvation as the end result.
"Change your ways, believe in Jesus and you will be SAVED!!"
Yes, that's true. Believing in Jesus will save you. It will save you from an assurance of eternity separated from God. But, I want to share with you where I think that most Christians (myself included) have missed the mark. You see, we often times see the salvation as the end of a journey. We sell ourselves short by saying we believe in Jesus, going church, changing some things and we then are saved.
I'm here to tell you that I don't really think salvation is the end. I don't think that the whole "then we are saved" is the final result.
Sure, I'm burdened for the eternity of people that will never choose Jesus. Yes, their eternity is vitally important. But where I think we Americans water down our faith is when we believe that the final destination is salvation.
You see, I'm a changed girl. I used to allow my body and mind to be used by whatever man I saw fit. I used to allow my soul to be captivated by things that were not healthy and certainly not encouraging. I used to allow my mind to linger on things that would ultimately damage my relationships and poison my heart.
And, then I met Jesus.
My love for Him wasn't overnight. I knew I needed more of Him but, truthfully, I wasn't sure what that looked like and I just knew I didn't want to be any place other than heaven when my body was left without a spirit. However, I can't tell you that I instantly fell in love and on such-and-such day my life began looking drastically different. I still struggled with lustful thoughts and allowed my heart to dwell on jealously and greed.
I wasn't changed overnight. But, I thought I should have been. I would beat myself up over my mistakes and obvious flaws because I was sure that any real Christian wouldn't struggle with such things. Afterall, calling yourself a Christian and then allowing profanity to spew all over another person is slightly, no blatantly, hypocritical. Calling yourself a Christian and then having lustful thoughts, even allowing them to engage your mind is just not permissible. Is it?
But, what I have slowly come to realize is that salvation isn't the end. It isn't the true definition of what a Christian is. Salvation doesn't mean that I've finally arrived. I've still got so, so, so much to learn. And truly the learning doesn't even BEGIN until salvation has occurred.
My point is, I am really beginning to believe that heaven is a byproduct of loving Jesus and that knowing God is the real reward.
Think about that.
Yes, heaven will be a glorious place. A place with no sin, no hurt, no hunger, no orphans, no sickness. My mind cannot grasp that no matter how hard I try. But I still think that heaven is a secondary prize of loving Jesus. Because, loving Jesus gets us to God.
God is the prize. He's the #1 benefit. He is what you get when you strip away all of the things that come along with labeling yourself as a Christian. Sure, heaven is awesome. But God? He's phenomenal.
David Platt wrote in his book Radical, "We realize that we are saved not just to be forgiven of our sins or to be assured of our eternity in heaven, but we are saved to know God."
Heaven isn't the reason that I pray over my thoughts and plead with God to control them. Desiring to know God more intimately is.
Heaven isn't the reason that I pray that my eyes will only be for my husband and that my desires will build within me so that I only crave his affection.
Desiring to know God on an intimately personal, yet totally vulnerable level is.
I didn't decide it was time for me to become a Christian because it was suddenly a little easier to control my tongue. I didn't decide it was time for me to become a Christian because I finally found a way to read my Bible more frequently. I didn't decide it was time for me to become a Christian because out of the blue my thought life became less centered on sexual immorality.
I didn't decide it was time for me to become a Christian because suddenly I am better equipped to do those things. It's actually the total opposite.
I am able to better control my tongue and my thoughts because I follow Jesus. I read my Bible more frequently because I desire to know Him more. It is possible for me to sometimes forget how I whored my body to men because as I desire to know more about Him, God is slowly erasing those memories from my mind.
I sure hope this is making sense because it's so hard to convey this with written words. What I'm trying to say is that
Reading my Bible
+
Controlling my tongue
+
Pushing away lustful thoughts
+
Having more self control
+
Speaking more kindly
DOES NOT equal Christianity.
I am not a lover of Jesus because I am finally able to do those things on my own accord. It's the total opposite.
Because I have seen how Jesus is the lover of my soul and because His Spirit (the one that rose dead men from their graves) lives within me am I now able to do the things I listed above.
Because of His Spirit's power deep inside my soul I have more self control, I speak more kindly, I'm better equipped to push out lustful thoughts when they enter my mind, I can more easily control my tongue and I desire to read my Bible, study it even, so that I can understand God's character.
My claims of being a believer in Jesus are not rooted in my desire to enter heaven. They are rooted in my desire to know God. And Jesus is my in. He's the one holding the back door open for me so that I can sneak in. In John 14:6 Jesus spoke these words, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."
Can I just tell you that before I understood Jesus, before I caught a glimpse of who He is I thought that He was an arrogant jerk? I thought that he had an awful lot of gall for claiming to be the be-all end-all. Can I also tell you that just a glimpse of Him changed my perspective?
It is my whole-hearted plea with the Lord that each person that I love and each person reading these words would also know God on an intimate level. One that changes you to your very core. My prayer is that God would reach into your soul and pull out the seeds of sin that have deeply planted themselves in the dark places that you never thought could be touched.
Trust me, I know those parts. The parts of you that you are afraid to confess to the darkness of night even when no one else is home, the doors are locked and you are certain, certain not even your faintest whisper would ever grace the ear of another human, yet you still don't utter a word because who thinks/does/says those things?
Please believe that the God of all creation who chose to send himself in human flesh so that he could meet you where you are knows your darkness and he loves you anyway. How I wish I could show you how much my heart aches for you to feel that love. It drives me to my knees.
Yes, I desire to see you "get into" heaven. But I really believe that being with you in heaven would just be icing on the proverbial cake. Seeing you flourish in the love that the Lord himself has for you would be my heart's greatest desire. Knowing that you could be missing out on experiencing the greatest love ever known makes tears spring to my eyes.
I desire it so deeply for you. And yet, my fear is that many people reading this profess to be Christians and have never felt that love. Many people reading profess that they know God apart from knowing Christ Jesus. And, that doesn't make me love them less. Nor does it make God love them less. But it does ensure that they are missing out on knowing and abiding in the love the Creator has for them.
I can testify to that because the me of 7 or 8 years ago never knew this kind of love. She never knew that even though her claims of Christianity were voiced, her heart had never truly felt the Father's love. She never knew that the sin that had grown deep roots could never be removed unless she allowed the Lord into the darkest places of her soul. She never felt complete. She never felt the desire to move outside of what was comfortable, what was normal and forsake her own desires because that meant knowing God even more deeply. And, she wouldn't have cared even if I had told her what she was missing.
Me. Now. I feel it. Yes, I struggle with holding my tongue and anger and jealousy and still, infrequently - lust. But the grip that those things held me with so tightly, will never again hold me captive. You see, knowing the God of the universe is more important to me. Knowing His plans and His desires for my life far reach my own desires. Knowing that His perfect plan will increase my faith and equip me with just what I need is enough.
So who is Jesus to me?
He is the conqueror of my darkness. He is the lover of my burdened heart. He is the One that knows me intimately and yet chooses me anyway. He's the One that chose to get his hands dirty when he reached down to pull me from the pit.
He's my glimpse of the beginning.