First of all, thanks for all the encouraging words, emails, calls and comments regarding my last post. I appreciate you all so much and I feel incredibly blessed to be surrounded by such supportive friends.
My sweet Elizabeth, her heart is so tender. Those of you that know her personally can attest to her compassionate nature, her desire to please and her focus on detail. Lately, Luke and I have really noticed her focus on God, heaven and salvation. Before I get to the recent details, let me take you back almost 12 months.
We still lived in our old home (we just moved into our current home last October), and I was putting Elizabeth to bed. She was just over 3 years old at the time. We were doing our normal bedtime/story routine and she asked me a question about heaven. I gently tried to explain that not everyone gets into heaven, only those who have Jesus in their hearts. I asked her if she knew how to get Jesus into her heart. Eyes wide, she looked at me and shook her head from side to side. I remember it so vividly, her big blue eyes searching my face while blond curls bounced on her pillow. I told her,
"Well, you have to say a special prayer letting Him know that you love Him and you know you sin, but you want to be better. You know that Jesus died on the cross for your sins and you want Him to live inside you, forever."
We had talked about Jesus before. She knew about the cross. She understood that Jesus was God's son. As a smile crept across her face, she looked at me so matter-of-factly and said, "I need to pray that Mommy."
I wasn't sure that she really understood. I didn't think her 3 year old heart could get it, but I also knew that I couldn't discourage her from praying to a God that is so real to her. At that moment, she repeated after me as we recited a version of the sinner's prayer. With "Amen" she sat straight up, wrapped her skinny little arms around my neck and squealed with delight. Her reaction was pure joy.
Flash forward several months to this past November. Pastor Michael was preaching about something that I cannot recall at the moment. At the end of his sermon two people (both of them people Elizabeth knows) came on stage. As Michael sang, "East to West" by Casting Crowns, Melinda and Chris, on opposite sides of the stage, begin to paint the hands of Christ. Our conversation went something like this:
Me: "Elizabeth, do you know what they are drawing?"
E: "Hands."
Me: "Do you know who's hands they are?"
E: "God's?"
Me: "Yes."
We watched a little and she saw the blood and hole on Chris' painting.
E: "Why his hand have a hole in it?"
Me: "Because that's where the nail went thru when Jesus was nailed to the cross."
E: "How he bleed for?"
Me: "Because it made him bleed to be nailed on the cross."
E: "Did it hurt?"
Me: "Yes."
E: "Did it hurt real bad? Did it burn?"
Me: "Yes, but Jesus isn't hurt anymore because when he went to heaven he didn't feel any hurts."
E: "Why did Jesus have to bleed?"
By this point the song is ending and Melinda is really starting to draw the blood from His hand.
Me: "Jesus had to bleed so that we could go to heaven. He did it because he loves us."
E: "Did he bleed real bad?"
Me: "Yes, but he did it for us and he doesn't hurt now."
At this Elizabeth got so upset she wanted to leave service. In the lobby we had to pray for Jesus' boo-boos.
Now, jump with me to a few months ago when our church took quarterly communion. As the bread began to pass, I explained to her that she couldn't participate because it was special for people who had Jesus in their heart. She seemed fine with this and kept coloring. However, as she watched everyone around her (minus a few kids sitting nearby) take the bread, she asked again why she could not. When I told her once more that it was only for people who had Jesus in their heart, she boldly proclaimed, "But Mommy, I do have Jesus in my heart. Don't you remember?"
I struggled through the rest of communion. As tears welled up in her little eyes, she desperately searched my face for confirmation that I believed her. The rest of the afternoon she reminded me of how much she loved Jesus. One specific comment she made shook me to my core. I asked her, "Elizabeth, how do you know Jesus is in your heart."
Her answer? "Because Mommy, I can feel Him."
Now, back to the present, or somewhat present. Just days before Elizabeth turned 4 she began telling me that she didn't want to grow up. She's said this a few times before but I've mostly just blown it off as being silly. However, this night in particular she kept on and on. I was putting her to bed (do you see a pattern of bedtime discussions here?) and she kept insisting that she did not want to grow up. I told her all of the things that big 4 year olds get to do that little 3 year olds don't get to do, but it didn't suffice her.
Finally, I asked her, "Elizabeth, why don't you want to grow up?"
"Because, I want to live with you and Daddy forever."
"Well, you can live with us as long as you want. Even when you're old." (I sorta had my fingers crossed here.)
Once again, the response of my 4 year old took my breath away.
"But Mom, what if God calls me to someplace else? What if he wants me to go somewhere and help other kids?"
Seriously? How do you reply to that? I just stood there, for what seemed like hours. Finally, I said, "Well, if God calls you someplace else honey, he'll prepare you're heart and it won't hurt quite so much."
After that conversation I walked into our bedroom and looked at Luke. We talked for a long time about whether we thought that Elizabeth had truly accepted Christ that night, almost a year ago, lying in her toddler bed. How could she understand it all? How could she believe? Then it hit us, we don't even get it. We don't nearly get it all. Who are we to decide if she's saved?
Psalm 139 is a favorite of mine for many, many reasons. The entire Psalm talks about the condition of the heart. As I read it and think of my precious girl, I see these verses in a new way:
O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
verses 1 - 2
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. verses 23-24
Thank you Lord for already knowing the condition of her precious little heart. Search if fully Lord, so that she may be fully and completely consecrated to you.
PS-We have plans for her to talk about her salvation with someone outside of her family. It's less about us trusting her and more about getting to the true condition of her heart. I have many, many more thoughts about this, but I'll have to save those for a later post.