Today was draining. Baby D had his 2nd visit with his birth parents. I had the opportunity to observe the visit from the other side of a two-way mirror, with headphones to listen to the interactions. Can I just tell you how confusing it was for me?
Here I am, watching these people hold, kiss and love my baby. They are calling him "son" and referring to themselves as "Mom" and "Dad." My conscious self knows that these labels are true, but the mother in me was screaming something totally different.
To be honest, watching the visit wasn't as difficult for me as it could have been. I can sympathize with this mother on so many levels, just as I can all mothers. She must be thinking of her little guy day and night. Each time she feels the pain of her body recovering from childbirth, I know she must think of him. As she holds, kisses and smells him, I know her heart must yearn to take him home and know him.
On the other hand, my heart also turns cold when thoughts of her come to mind. How can any woman justify mis-treating her body when she is pregnant? How can any woman look at her bulging stomach in the mirror and have no regard for the life inside? How can any mother watch her child walk away with another "mom" and not have to be physically restrained?
God is working on me in all of this. I feel Him pressing my heart from many different directions. I want, so desperately, to feel His will. Today I feel like He's been speaking yet again. I analyze every interaction I have with the birth parents, especially after getting to observe them with the baby for over 1 1/2 hours today. I think about every comment they made. I mull over the comments of the social workers. I strip everything I've heard down to basics and replay in my mind over and over and over again. I have so many questions.
I have made a new friend, Sonja, who has been down this road before. She seems so wise. Each time a new emotion surfaces I want to call her and glean from her experience. However, I feel God leading me another way.
He simply says, Let me answer your questions. Let me guide your heart. Let me be enough.
Aren't I just like the world? We want so badly to know everything up front. We want to know the final destination before we even start the journey. We want all of the hard times to be laid out in front of us, with an answer key supplied. God doesn't work that way. As I continue to work through Experiencing God, I am see more and more clearly that I need to let God be enough. He needs to be everything in every area of my life. He needs to be the one to answer my questions. He needs to fulfill my every need. Although I can seek Godly counsel from people of this world, my main source of strength and guidance should be from Him and His word.
As I watched the interactions of this tattered family, God kept saying "Remember, Jeremiah 29:11." As I cleaned up dishes from dinner just minutes ago, I thought about those words.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (NIV)
Do I really think my plans are better than God's? Do I really think He will be surprised by the outcome? At this point, I must let go and allow God's plan to unfold. This will not be easy, nor will it be without heartache. However, His plan is best. He IS God. He loves me. He loves Baby D. He even loves Baby D's birth parents.
As I face another day where I will endure more time with Baby D's birth parents (tomorrow there's a Dr's appointment and they'll be there), I know that I must walk through the day arm in arm with God. I must look to Him for my answers, I must let Him be enough.
Here I am, watching these people hold, kiss and love my baby. They are calling him "son" and referring to themselves as "Mom" and "Dad." My conscious self knows that these labels are true, but the mother in me was screaming something totally different.
To be honest, watching the visit wasn't as difficult for me as it could have been. I can sympathize with this mother on so many levels, just as I can all mothers. She must be thinking of her little guy day and night. Each time she feels the pain of her body recovering from childbirth, I know she must think of him. As she holds, kisses and smells him, I know her heart must yearn to take him home and know him.
On the other hand, my heart also turns cold when thoughts of her come to mind. How can any woman justify mis-treating her body when she is pregnant? How can any woman look at her bulging stomach in the mirror and have no regard for the life inside? How can any mother watch her child walk away with another "mom" and not have to be physically restrained?
God is working on me in all of this. I feel Him pressing my heart from many different directions. I want, so desperately, to feel His will. Today I feel like He's been speaking yet again. I analyze every interaction I have with the birth parents, especially after getting to observe them with the baby for over 1 1/2 hours today. I think about every comment they made. I mull over the comments of the social workers. I strip everything I've heard down to basics and replay in my mind over and over and over again. I have so many questions.
I have made a new friend, Sonja, who has been down this road before. She seems so wise. Each time a new emotion surfaces I want to call her and glean from her experience. However, I feel God leading me another way.
He simply says, Let me answer your questions. Let me guide your heart. Let me be enough.
Aren't I just like the world? We want so badly to know everything up front. We want to know the final destination before we even start the journey. We want all of the hard times to be laid out in front of us, with an answer key supplied. God doesn't work that way. As I continue to work through Experiencing God, I am see more and more clearly that I need to let God be enough. He needs to be everything in every area of my life. He needs to be the one to answer my questions. He needs to fulfill my every need. Although I can seek Godly counsel from people of this world, my main source of strength and guidance should be from Him and His word.
As I watched the interactions of this tattered family, God kept saying "Remember, Jeremiah 29:11." As I cleaned up dishes from dinner just minutes ago, I thought about those words.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (NIV)
Do I really think my plans are better than God's? Do I really think He will be surprised by the outcome? At this point, I must let go and allow God's plan to unfold. This will not be easy, nor will it be without heartache. However, His plan is best. He IS God. He loves me. He loves Baby D. He even loves Baby D's birth parents.
As I face another day where I will endure more time with Baby D's birth parents (tomorrow there's a Dr's appointment and they'll be there), I know that I must walk through the day arm in arm with God. I must look to Him for my answers, I must let Him be enough.