The Making of M.O.M.

I have to confess that lately my prayers have become quite selfish. When Baby D first got here, my prayers were purely for God's will. My heart's earnest desire was to see this family come to know Christ and be reunited. Over the last several days, they have turned VERY selfish. I struggled with whether or not to post this (its been sitting here since last Wednesday), but I felt that I had posted every other emotion I've felt so far, so why not this one too?

My prayer life has started revolving around my own selfish desires. As I continue to work through Experiencing God, I read about George Müller and how he prayed in the Spirit. To do this, he first prayed for God to take all of his own desires out of his heart, each and every last one of them. Then, he asked for the Spirit to place God's desires within him. So, knowing I am being very selfish lately, yesterday I asked God to take my desires. As I sat there, waiting....wanting God to take them, I felt my heart begin to lift. I felt a tinge of relief...then suddenly as if I was physically moving I felt my heart reach out and grab all of my emotions and pull them back. Almost as if they were being smothered within me. Imagine a balloon that is about to float away into the clouds, then at the last minute you grab the last inch of string and violently pull it toward you, engulfing it with your arms.

I feel this inner struggle constantly. I want to release it all to God, but for some reason I'm holding on, unable to let go completely. Am I afraid of God's desires? Am I fearful of what I might feel? I'm busying myself with other things, like arguing or picking fights with my husband. In my quiet time, I'm searching for answers to my questions, rather than opening my heart to hear what God wants to say. I am looking for signs rather than God.

I'm being very selfish. I want to know ALL of the answers NOW. I want MY WAY. I want what I FEEL is best for me. Where is that refuge I had mere days ago? Geesh, I'm such an Israelite! I forget so quickly how redemptive God is and I turn to myself to solve my problems. Surely this too will pass, but I know that I must pray my way through it, and I just don't have the strength right now. I want Baby D forever, not just for now. I want everyone to see that we would make the best home for him. I want God to answer the cries of my heart.

I sort of feel like Veruca Salt on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory..."No Daddy, I want it NOW!" Unfortunately, God has never answered these demanding prayers in the past and I don't think He'll be starting anytime soon. So, I'm back to waiting, praying and trusting. I'm back to offering up my thoughts on a minute by minute basis. I'm back to asking God to change my heart. I mean, the world doesn't need another Veruca, and I certainly don't want THAT as my legacy.

Today was draining. Baby D had his 2nd visit with his birth parents. I had the opportunity to observe the visit from the other side of a two-way mirror, with headphones to listen to the interactions. Can I just tell you how confusing it was for me?

Here I am, watching these people hold, kiss and love my baby. They are calling him "son" and referring to themselves as "Mom" and "Dad." My conscious self knows that these labels are true, but the mother in me was screaming something totally different.

To be honest, watching the visit wasn't as difficult for me as it could have been. I can sympathize with this mother on so many levels, just as I can all mothers. She must be thinking of her little guy day and night. Each time she feels the pain of her body recovering from childbirth, I know she must think of him. As she holds, kisses and smells him, I know her heart must yearn to take him home and know him.

On the other hand, my heart also turns cold when thoughts of her come to mind. How can any woman justify mis-treating her body when she is pregnant? How can any woman look at her bulging stomach in the mirror and have no regard for the life inside? How can any mother watch her child walk away with another "mom" and not have to be physically restrained?

God is working on me in all of this. I feel Him pressing my heart from many different directions. I want, so desperately, to feel His will. Today I feel like He's been speaking yet again. I analyze every interaction I have with the birth parents, especially after getting to observe them with the baby for over 1 1/2 hours today. I think about every comment they made. I mull over the comments of the social workers. I strip everything I've heard down to basics and replay in my mind over and over and over again. I have so many questions.

I have made a new friend, Sonja, who has been down this road before. She seems so wise. Each time a new emotion surfaces I want to call her and glean from her experience. However, I feel God leading me another way.

He simply says, Let me answer your questions. Let me guide your heart. Let me be enough.

Aren't I just like the world? We want so badly to know everything up front. We want to know the final destination before we even start the journey. We want all of the hard times to be laid out in front of us, with an answer key supplied. God doesn't work that way. As I continue to work through Experiencing God, I am see more and more clearly that I need to let God be enough. He needs to be everything in every area of my life. He needs to be the one to answer my questions. He needs to fulfill my every need. Although I can seek Godly counsel from people of this world, my main source of strength and guidance should be from Him and His word.

As I watched the interactions of this tattered family, God kept saying "Remember, Jeremiah 29:11." As I cleaned up dishes from dinner just minutes ago, I thought about those words.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (NIV)

Do I really think my plans are better than God's? Do I really think He will be surprised by the outcome? At this point, I must let go and allow God's plan to unfold. This will not be easy, nor will it be without heartache. However, His plan is best. He IS God. He loves me. He loves Baby D. He even loves Baby D's birth parents.

As I face another day where I will endure more time with Baby D's birth parents (tomorrow there's a Dr's appointment and they'll be there), I know that I must walk through the day arm in arm with God. I must look to Him for my answers, I must let Him be enough.