There's something I noticed about my kids a year or so ago. They were all playing quietly and out of no where someone began to wail. As I investigated the screams I soon discovered their cause. One of the kids had a huge bite mark. The other child stood frozen, eyes fixed upon me, knowing that (s)he had done wrong.
What I realized was that no one had taught my children to bite or hit or kick or punch. They just did it. They pulled that ability from the recesses of their sinful selves and did what felt necessary at the moment. But they'd never seen me or Luke bite, kick or punch someone when we didn't get our way.
My point is, it wasn't a learned behavior. It was something they knew how to do from the moment they figured out a little something about self-expression. Aaron has yet to begin biting out of spite, but he will hit his little sister when she tries to play with one of "his" toys.
Again, this isn't something we taught him to do. He's a normal 18 month old little boy. My guess is, if you have kids, you see some of their behaviors and think to yourself, "Where in the world did they learn to do that?"
I know that unacceptable behavior is not something I've taught my kids to do but rather something I'm attempting to train them to refrain from.
I think doubt is the same way.
No one teaches you to have doubt. In fact, before you ever decide to turn your life over Christ and become a follower you are filled with doubt. Sort of like that toddler who is filled with the desire to hit or bite his siblings.
Then, something miraculous happens.
You meet this Man. And slowly, yet dramatically, He changes you. But there's something that they never prepare you for. They never tell you about the doubt you will continue to have. They never tell you that it starts as small doubt and moves into the big areas of your life.
One of my girlfriends and I were talking about childbirth this weekend. She said, "I expected the pain and the soreness after delivery but no one prepared me for when the nurse came in and smashed on my stomach every hour for the next day. That hurt worse than anything!"
She's right. No one prepares you for the hurtful side of being a follower of Christ. No one tells you upfront that it will still hurt, often worse, when you are walking this new road. No one prepares you for the doubt that creeps in, then seemingly takes over your spirit.
No one prepares you for the times when you so desperately want to be close to the Lord yet with every page of your Bible or every Christian book you read, you'll want to snap it shut and fling it across the room from pure disgust.
Disgust at yourself. Disgust from the doubting.
No one tells you that these seasons can last for months at a time. No one tells you how to pull yourself out or how to cry out for help or how to allow the One who knows your thoughts to begin to work this all out for His glory.
No one tells you that through all of it you still know He is there, but you wonder why on earth He isn't speaking in your direction.
No one tells you how lonely it feels or how bad it hurts or how much you question Him and yourself and you wonder if you have this whole Jesus thing as figured out as you thought you did.
No one tells you how you will one day deal with the pride in your heart and how the consequences of that pride will have doubt casting a shadow on all areas of your soul.
It's cold in those shadows people. Very cold.
No one tells you how your heart can't even begin to worship to your favorite song, even when it's played in an amazing worship service where everyone around you is seemingly filled with the Spirit.
No one tells you what it feels like to glance over at your husband on a Sunday morning and see him deep in prayer and hope to God that he's praying for you because you know you can't pray for yourself.
These are the thing that no one tells you about being a lover of Christ. So, in case there are people out there wondering why no one else has told you. Here I am. I'm telling you.
Sometimes loving the Lord hurts. Sometimes you are filled with doubt. Sometimes it makes you lay awake at night and wonder why it's been months since you've felt His presence. Sometimes you won't want to open your Bible. Sometimes you won't want to talk to your best friend about it. Sometimes you wonder if you really believe what you say you believe.
But.
He's still there. He still loves me. He still did it all just for me.
And always, that's enough.
What I realized was that no one had taught my children to bite or hit or kick or punch. They just did it. They pulled that ability from the recesses of their sinful selves and did what felt necessary at the moment. But they'd never seen me or Luke bite, kick or punch someone when we didn't get our way.
My point is, it wasn't a learned behavior. It was something they knew how to do from the moment they figured out a little something about self-expression. Aaron has yet to begin biting out of spite, but he will hit his little sister when she tries to play with one of "his" toys.
Again, this isn't something we taught him to do. He's a normal 18 month old little boy. My guess is, if you have kids, you see some of their behaviors and think to yourself, "Where in the world did they learn to do that?"
I know that unacceptable behavior is not something I've taught my kids to do but rather something I'm attempting to train them to refrain from.
I think doubt is the same way.
No one teaches you to have doubt. In fact, before you ever decide to turn your life over Christ and become a follower you are filled with doubt. Sort of like that toddler who is filled with the desire to hit or bite his siblings.
Then, something miraculous happens.
You meet this Man. And slowly, yet dramatically, He changes you. But there's something that they never prepare you for. They never tell you about the doubt you will continue to have. They never tell you that it starts as small doubt and moves into the big areas of your life.
One of my girlfriends and I were talking about childbirth this weekend. She said, "I expected the pain and the soreness after delivery but no one prepared me for when the nurse came in and smashed on my stomach every hour for the next day. That hurt worse than anything!"
She's right. No one prepares you for the hurtful side of being a follower of Christ. No one tells you upfront that it will still hurt, often worse, when you are walking this new road. No one prepares you for the doubt that creeps in, then seemingly takes over your spirit.
No one prepares you for the times when you so desperately want to be close to the Lord yet with every page of your Bible or every Christian book you read, you'll want to snap it shut and fling it across the room from pure disgust.
Disgust at yourself. Disgust from the doubting.
No one tells you that these seasons can last for months at a time. No one tells you how to pull yourself out or how to cry out for help or how to allow the One who knows your thoughts to begin to work this all out for His glory.
No one tells you that through all of it you still know He is there, but you wonder why on earth He isn't speaking in your direction.
No one tells you how lonely it feels or how bad it hurts or how much you question Him and yourself and you wonder if you have this whole Jesus thing as figured out as you thought you did.
No one tells you how you will one day deal with the pride in your heart and how the consequences of that pride will have doubt casting a shadow on all areas of your soul.
It's cold in those shadows people. Very cold.
No one tells you how your heart can't even begin to worship to your favorite song, even when it's played in an amazing worship service where everyone around you is seemingly filled with the Spirit.
No one tells you what it feels like to glance over at your husband on a Sunday morning and see him deep in prayer and hope to God that he's praying for you because you know you can't pray for yourself.
These are the thing that no one tells you about being a lover of Christ. So, in case there are people out there wondering why no one else has told you. Here I am. I'm telling you.
Sometimes loving the Lord hurts. Sometimes you are filled with doubt. Sometimes it makes you lay awake at night and wonder why it's been months since you've felt His presence. Sometimes you won't want to open your Bible. Sometimes you won't want to talk to your best friend about it. Sometimes you wonder if you really believe what you say you believe.
But.
He's still there. He still loves me. He still did it all just for me.
And always, that's enough.