First of all I want to make it clear that this is NOT intended to start a breastfeeding vs. formula debate.
Studies show that breastmilk is best for babies. Period.
However, women who either cannot breastfeed or choose not to breastfeed are not horrible mothers. Anyone who proposes such thought is narrow minded, shallow, ignorant and has clearly never struggled to nurse a baby who won't latch or struggled with milk supply issues or simply has zero compassion for a Mom who just did not enjoy breastfeeding.
Breastmilk may be best for baby but it does not equate immaculate mothering. In fact, I've met Moms who breastfed their baby yet stunk at mothering. Most days, I'm that Mom.
So why do I even bring all of this up?
Because last night I had to give Ella her first bottle of formula and it broke my heart.
Not because I believe that I'm letting her down or I'm not a good enough Mom or even because I think I'm hurting her. None of those could be further from the truth. In fact, to date, 50% of our children were fed formula for the majority of their first year of life.
The reason it broke my heart is because I love breastfeeding.
I love that it allows me time with my baby that no one else gets. I love that it soothes her when nothing else can. I love that only I can do it. I love the closeness I feel with her as she suckles and drifts off to sleep. I love that I can provide that for her.
I love it when she nurses, unlatches and grins and me, then latches back on, smiling the entire time. I love it when she's done eating and she's got remnant milk on her chin and she's content and happy and satisfied.
I love that my milk gave her those fat, squishy cheeks.
I just love everything about it.
But since I've been sick with that stomach virus and then in the days following Ella felt less that spectacular and in turn nursed less, my milk supply has plummeted. Yesterday she was not my sweet, happy-go-lucky, smiling baby. She was fussy and cranky and clingy. She wanted to nurse but she didn't. She wanted to be held but she wanted to be put down. With the exception of last night, she's slept horribly, waking up and screaming every 2 - 3 hours and not settling until I nurse her back to sleep. Then 2 - 3 hours later crying out again.
And I really believe it was because she was hungry for milk that I did not have. I've not been able to save up any milk in my freezer because my body was making the exact amount she needed every day. I've been on supplements to boost my supply for several weeks so that I could have a reserve in my freezer but then the virus hit and we used what little was in the freezer to satisfy her while my dehydrated body recuperated.
So I'm sad. Just sad that this could be the beginning of the end. Sad that I'm having to mix up bottles of formula for my girl because she's hungry and I cannot produce what she needs. Sad because I can still remember each time I nursed my other babies for the last time.
And I'm disappointed because I really want to nurse her for a full year (or beyond) and allow her to self wean. And I'm so frustrated with my body because of it's lack of production even with me on supplements for the last 2 - 3 weeks (and on and off for the last 9 months).
I'm going to keep nursing and pumping and drinking lots of water and taking the supplements and see what happens. If anyone else has any other suggestions I'd love to hear them. But, if this is the end of nursing her I can handle it. It will stink but I can handle it.
Studies show that breastmilk is best for babies. Period.
However, women who either cannot breastfeed or choose not to breastfeed are not horrible mothers. Anyone who proposes such thought is narrow minded, shallow, ignorant and has clearly never struggled to nurse a baby who won't latch or struggled with milk supply issues or simply has zero compassion for a Mom who just did not enjoy breastfeeding.
Breastmilk may be best for baby but it does not equate immaculate mothering. In fact, I've met Moms who breastfed their baby yet stunk at mothering. Most days, I'm that Mom.
So why do I even bring all of this up?
Because last night I had to give Ella her first bottle of formula and it broke my heart.
Not because I believe that I'm letting her down or I'm not a good enough Mom or even because I think I'm hurting her. None of those could be further from the truth. In fact, to date, 50% of our children were fed formula for the majority of their first year of life.
The reason it broke my heart is because I love breastfeeding.
I love that it allows me time with my baby that no one else gets. I love that it soothes her when nothing else can. I love that only I can do it. I love the closeness I feel with her as she suckles and drifts off to sleep. I love that I can provide that for her.
I love it when she nurses, unlatches and grins and me, then latches back on, smiling the entire time. I love it when she's done eating and she's got remnant milk on her chin and she's content and happy and satisfied.
I love that my milk gave her those fat, squishy cheeks.
I just love everything about it.
But since I've been sick with that stomach virus and then in the days following Ella felt less that spectacular and in turn nursed less, my milk supply has plummeted. Yesterday she was not my sweet, happy-go-lucky, smiling baby. She was fussy and cranky and clingy. She wanted to nurse but she didn't. She wanted to be held but she wanted to be put down. With the exception of last night, she's slept horribly, waking up and screaming every 2 - 3 hours and not settling until I nurse her back to sleep. Then 2 - 3 hours later crying out again.
And I really believe it was because she was hungry for milk that I did not have. I've not been able to save up any milk in my freezer because my body was making the exact amount she needed every day. I've been on supplements to boost my supply for several weeks so that I could have a reserve in my freezer but then the virus hit and we used what little was in the freezer to satisfy her while my dehydrated body recuperated.
So I'm sad. Just sad that this could be the beginning of the end. Sad that I'm having to mix up bottles of formula for my girl because she's hungry and I cannot produce what she needs. Sad because I can still remember each time I nursed my other babies for the last time.
And I'm disappointed because I really want to nurse her for a full year (or beyond) and allow her to self wean. And I'm so frustrated with my body because of it's lack of production even with me on supplements for the last 2 - 3 weeks (and on and off for the last 9 months).
I'm going to keep nursing and pumping and drinking lots of water and taking the supplements and see what happens. If anyone else has any other suggestions I'd love to hear them. But, if this is the end of nursing her I can handle it. It will stink but I can handle it.