I've been traveling a lot this fall, working the ground up on a new, home based business. It's been exhausting yet incredible connecting with family I've not seen in 15 years, having morning coffee with long, lost friends and seeing people I care about live the lives they've been called to live across the country from me.
One thing that kept being brought up time and time and time again was this blog. This space on the internet where I pour my heart out and people come to read. This place that now feels so vulnerable and raw, like wound that just cannot heal.
Truly, I'd given up on this place. My heart has been trampled on, bruised and beaten down over the last 3 years and I wasn't sure that there was much left to offer. Not to God, not to my own family and certainly not to blank pages. So I walked away. My heart longs to write but I'm timid at the thought of putting myself out there again. The irony is, that while I love the writing, and I enjoy you all reading, it's incredibly uncomfortable for me when people openly acknowledge this place and what I've written. I can't say why. So, I had resolved that I would let this space go and I asked Luke if he'd have the entries printed and bound into a book for me.
And then I sat in this church two weekends ago, with a dear friend at my side, and I felt the Lord speak to me like He used to, back when I was in tune with His word and could hear His heart beat clearly.
I fought tears as I actually worshipped like I have not been able in a long, long time. I sang this song many, many times before our world seemed to fall apart with death and our dreams slipped away. (That short term trip never happened, either.)
I have struggled so much with God. Called Him a liar, spewed words and venom and hatred his way. And yet, as these familiar chords began, my ears heard these words again, for the first time.
Where have you been? Have you been on the way for all this time?
There it has been this entire time. Just lift up your eyes, Jessica. See me. Here. I never left.
Luke can attest, I am AMAZING at the cold shoulder. When I'm upset with someone, I try my best to pretend to be fine, but I wear the hurt and anger all over me. We never fight for long because it's clear when I'm upset. I avoid eye contact with every fiber of my being, because I know my eyes will give me away.
I looked up the verse this song referenced. Psalm 121:1-4 says,
I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
I love blueletterbible.org because I can look up the root words and read the original scriptures and see not only the actual word used in the original language, but where it is used again in scripture.
As I looked up Psalm 121, the words life, eye, foot and moved jumped out at me.
Lift:
Moved (Slip):
He will not allow me to be carried off or taken away. He will not allow me to be overthrown or greatly shaken.
I lift my eyes up, He has sustained me.
He did not allow my foot to be moved. I have not been overthrown. I have been shaken, but I was not dislodged.
My help comes from the Lord.
One thing that kept being brought up time and time and time again was this blog. This space on the internet where I pour my heart out and people come to read. This place that now feels so vulnerable and raw, like wound that just cannot heal.
Truly, I'd given up on this place. My heart has been trampled on, bruised and beaten down over the last 3 years and I wasn't sure that there was much left to offer. Not to God, not to my own family and certainly not to blank pages. So I walked away. My heart longs to write but I'm timid at the thought of putting myself out there again. The irony is, that while I love the writing, and I enjoy you all reading, it's incredibly uncomfortable for me when people openly acknowledge this place and what I've written. I can't say why. So, I had resolved that I would let this space go and I asked Luke if he'd have the entries printed and bound into a book for me.
And then I sat in this church two weekends ago, with a dear friend at my side, and I felt the Lord speak to me like He used to, back when I was in tune with His word and could hear His heart beat clearly.
I fought tears as I actually worshipped like I have not been able in a long, long time. I sang this song many, many times before our world seemed to fall apart with death and our dreams slipped away. (That short term trip never happened, either.)
I have struggled so much with God. Called Him a liar, spewed words and venom and hatred his way. And yet, as these familiar chords began, my ears heard these words again, for the first time.
My foes are many, they rise against me
But I will hold my ground
I will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way, my help is on the way
Where have you been? Have you been on the way for all this time?
Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always
Troubles surround me, chaos abounding
My soul will rest in You
I will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way, my help is on the way
And then...
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
From You Lord, from You Lord
There it has been this entire time. Just lift up your eyes, Jessica. See me. Here. I never left.
Luke can attest, I am AMAZING at the cold shoulder. When I'm upset with someone, I try my best to pretend to be fine, but I wear the hurt and anger all over me. We never fight for long because it's clear when I'm upset. I avoid eye contact with every fiber of my being, because I know my eyes will give me away.
I looked up the verse this song referenced. Psalm 121:1-4 says,
I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
I love blueletterbible.org because I can look up the root words and read the original scriptures and see not only the actual word used in the original language, but where it is used again in scripture.
As I looked up Psalm 121, the words life, eye, foot and moved jumped out at me.
Lift:
- to lift, lift up
- to bear, carry, support, sustain, endure
- to take, take away, carry off, forgive
Moved (Slip):
- to totter, shake, slip
- (Qal) to totter, shake, slip
- (Niphal) to be shaken, be moved, be overthrown
- (Hiphil) to dislodge, let fall, drop
- (Hithpael) to be greatly shaken
He will not allow me to be carried off or taken away. He will not allow me to be overthrown or greatly shaken.
I lift my eyes up, He has sustained me.
He did not allow my foot to be moved. I have not been overthrown. I have been shaken, but I was not dislodged.
My help comes from the Lord.