I've heard of people saying they pray and meditate on a word for each upcoming year. I've always liked the thought of it, but honestly, I sort of stink at sticking with things.
It's a big reason I've never make New Year's resolutions. I don't want to feel like a failure when February rolls around and I've already forgotten what I resolved to do.
Anyway, a few days before the new year, I had some alone time in the car. I had the radio going and I was reflecting on 2016 and everything that came with it. Really everything that went with the last 4 years and how it all seemed to heap into a pile and 2016 was my year to deal with it. All of it.
Yes, Paige was part of that. But there was more. More I'm not ready to share, and may not ever be. It's been 4 years of taking hits emotionally, financially and spiritually and it all seemed to culminate at the end of 2016.
Finally, I made some peace with it. I stood myself up in front of a large crowd of people, opened myself up in some vulnerable and scary places and the unexpected happened. The wounds didn't grow deaper.
Instead,
the healing rushed in
.
I cannot say exactly how or why, but as the words spilled from my lips, deep wounds in my heart began to heal.
When I left that retreat, one that was suppose to be for work and to grow my business, I felt physically lighter. My outlook on life felt different and I had decided to embrace the joy of my life, rather than continually preparing myself for the next shoe to drop.
Vulnerability is not weakness.
Vulnerability is emotional risk, uncertainty and emotional risk.
It is to allow ourselves to be seen. To be honest.
Vulnerability is the most accurate measure of courage.
- Brene Brown, "The Power of Vulnerability"
And as I drove home from Costco just a few days before New Year's the word I heard God speak to me was so clear and my jaw dropped.
2016 was the year of
Healing
.
I remember after Paige died I kept getting angry and then in a weird way, I anticipated the person I would be in the future, once I came out the other side. Wiser. Stronger. More faithful.
I cannot say with assurance that I am there yet, but I'm certainly making strides. I look at who I was before, compared to who I am now and instead of seeing a huge ravine between those two persons, I see more similarities than before.
For the longest time, I wondered if I'd ever get back to begin a better version of her, or if I'd be this angry, bitter, cynical person forever.
So, here's to you 2016. You taught me so much and forced me to reconcile with myself and God.
In 2016:
January brought Evelyn turning 2 years old and me realizing that life is moving at a much faster pace than I enjoy so I'd better embrace this chaos or risk forgetting the very best parts.
February took me to Orlando for a Leadership event for my company. I'd been struggling with the idea of making money while helping people and the ethics behind that. I took away my favorite leadership phrase that solidfied my desire to do this business and quit apologizing for being successful.
"We rise by lifting others."
March:
Abigail turned 4 and we discovered her love for anteaters.
Spring baseball began and I learned to love the art of juggling 4 kids playing on 4 different ball teams.
Ella turned 6 and slowly Luke and I began to see that when Ella is in a funk, alone time with Mom or Dad snaps her right out of it. She also started Tball and we realized that maybe we hadn't noticed how awesome she was as baseball.
Our beloved 13.5 year old Golden Retreiver, Brinkley, died. It rattled us all and we still miss her every, single day. We swore off getting a dog for at least a year, maybe 2.
April:
We got a dog. A puppy to be exact.
Belle, the golden-doodle, 10 weeks old.
Ashlee discovered that when you tell the waiter at a restuarant you want the largest fish they have, you need to be very, very specific.
"Mom! It has eyes! What if it's pregnant!?!"
May:
Olivia played in her first, and last, piano recital and decided she'd rather take horseback riding lessons instead of play piano.
Lucas and Ashlee turned 10, both got an iPod and the world of navigating several children, screens and internet filters became very REAL. We got a Disney Circle. It helped.
Extreme chaos
June:
Aaron turned 8. During his birthday-day adventure, he almost got eaten by a tiger.
We spent a lot of time at the lake and I watched our kids' relationships develop in a new way. Now that I wasn't caring for a newborn 24/7, I could really soak in and see how our kids were growing together.
Because I have a sister, I always have a friend.
July:
We celebrated 'Merica.
I traveled back to my hometown to do a training for my team there. Going "home" is always a bit of a challenge emotionally. I didn't even realize at the time how healing this trip would be. Amid adversity and struggle, closer relationships with family emerged and, again, brought healing.
August:
This was a big month. Our oldest entered her last year of pre-teen. TWELVE. To celebrate the occasion, she and I took an extended weekend trip to the beach, her choice, and dove into some issue on purity, dating and everything in between. What a healing trip for both of us. We cried a lot, laughed more than I thought possible. We left feeling very divided and came home stronger and with more openness than I had even hoped for.
We also started a new Homeschooling co-op and remembered why we love homeschooling.
Elizabeth entered into her first horsehow and took home several ribbons. August was sort of big for us.
Elizabeth and Phantom
September:
We celebrated Luke making another trip around the sun.
Then, he and I left the kids for a solid week and flew across the country to attend my company's convention. It was nerve-racking leaving all our babies at home. But the theme of the convention was healing. Surprised?
Some of our amazing team of life changers.
I'm not. Even still, I wasn't putting all the pieces together yet. Healing wasn't even a word I recognized was reoccuring at this point. I guess you could say I'm a little hard headed. Or dense.
Reunited and it feels so good
October:
We celebrated 8 years of Olivia and thanked God again for the miracle that is her.
November:
The month it all sort of came crashing down. Chaos consumed us.
Ashlee performed in her first live theatre production, "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory."
Our kitchen had a water issue in September and insurance finally resolved it all in mid-November. We had to move out of our house for 3 weeks while multiple repairs were done. It was intense, but yet, so peaceful.
I can't explain how peace founds its way into those weeks of chaos, but they did. Actually, I think I
can
explain it.
I healed, so my family healed. When I chose to allow the wounds to be vulnerable, God allowed healing to take place, which put me back in a place to be emotionally available to my family once again.
So, we lived at the lake for a while. And Evelyn caught her first fish and we made some incredible memories in the midst of all that chaos. We moved out of our house the Sunday before Thanksgiving and didn't get back in until mid-December.
We just sort of rested in the middle of the whirlwind around us.
December:
We moved back into our house, Luke's mom came for Christmas.
We prepared our hearts for the birth of our Savior.
It was a precious and beautiful Christmas season, even though all my hopes of a beautiful Advent calendar didn't happen because all of our house was packed up and moved out. We slowly unpacked boxes, we still are actually, and threw our house on the market to sell. Yes, all a week before Christmas.
And here we are. Sitting in 2017, and somehow, with the healing of 2016, there was something more I needed. I began to ask God what my word would be for 2017. What would it bring?
More clearly than I have heard Him in a very, very long time, the word "Promise" rushed into my heart.
Followed by the following words, "When I think, 'My foot slips,' your steadfast love will help me."
I came home and looked up the scripture with those words and here is what I found.
If the LORD had not been my help,
my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence.
When I thought, “My foot slips,”
your steadfast love, O LORD, held me up.
Psalm 94:17-18
What a perfect bridge of scripture to go from Healing to Promise. Here's to a year of Promise and the thankfulness that comes from a year of Healing.
Happy New Year, friends.